I Am Selfish

I just don’t have it in me.

Last night... or this morning I should say; 1am, I lay in bed with a whirling dervish of a mind & somersaulting stomach, & I repeated the following to myself over & over until I fell asleep:

“I am okay. Everything is all right.”

Bloody helped too. Every time a frantic thought surfaced I countered it with a slightly better one. Didn’t go too far, just a slightly better idea so my mind would believe me. Lol! & it worked well.

Today is the funeral, if you could call it that. My grandfather died the night before last, leaving strict instructions on how this was to go. No ceremony, no clergy, no shindig, as soon as possible, minimal people.

& it’s the people I’m worried about.

We have my mother who isn’t very well mentally, to say the least. Very recent behaviour has pointed towards her making today a billion times worse than it needs to be.

My grandmother’s best frienemy who has enjoyed being an absolute bitch without impunity since long before I was born.

& my grandmother who like my mother is insane.

& no Grampa Harry there to say the immortal words “That’s enough” when there’s a hint of things going downhill.

& I am selfish because honestly he could’ve picked a better time to die... terrible thing to say isn’t it? Because I’m stressed to the max already, & I don’t have the energy to deal with how today is likely to go...

I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.

SW-User

A couple of things.

You lost a loved one. You get a pass to fly off the rails however you want.

If gramps would say “that’s enough,” say it in honor of him with no regrets and with the additional strength of his spirit with you. Gramps knew they should act like adults and you should feel free to enforce it.

I had to bury both my parents on the same day. They died a year apart but they chose to be cremated. I squeaked through my reading because I couldn’t stop the tears.

When lunch came and the priest kept asking if “anybody else had anything to say” (he wanted me to come up), I couldn’t get myself off the chair. I still think about it. I don’t know what held me back. I was embarrassed but in the grand scheme of things, I buried two parents that day. I get a fucking pass.

You lost someone important. I’m sorry. Do your best to honor them and grieve any damn way you want.