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I Am Selfish

I just don’t have it in me.

Last night... or this morning I should say; 1am, I lay in bed with a whirling dervish of a mind & somersaulting stomach, & I repeated the following to myself over & over until I fell asleep:

“I am okay. Everything is all right.”

Bloody helped too. Every time a frantic thought surfaced I countered it with a slightly better one. Didn’t go too far, just a slightly better idea so my mind would believe me. Lol! & it worked well.

Today is the funeral, if you could call it that. My grandfather died the night before last, leaving strict instructions on how this was to go. No ceremony, no clergy, no shindig, as soon as possible, minimal people.

& it’s the people I’m worried about.

We have my mother who isn’t very well mentally, to say the least. Very recent behaviour has pointed towards her making today a billion times worse than it needs to be.

My grandmother’s best frienemy who has enjoyed being an absolute bitch without impunity since long before I was born.

& my grandmother who like my mother is insane.

& no Grampa Harry there to say the immortal words “That’s enough” when there’s a hint of things going downhill.

& I am selfish because honestly he could’ve picked a better time to die... terrible thing to say isn’t it? Because I’m stressed to the max already, & I don’t have the energy to deal with how today is likely to go...

I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.
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rottenrobi · 56-60, F
I'm terribly sorry. I had a grandfather like that as well. You're definitely okay, and you'll get through the day.
Don't worry about anyone else.
@rottenrobi I could sleep.