I Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now

It has been 2 months since my official divorce. It has been a year and a half since I walked out of his life. I still remember the day so clearly. The arguments, the fight, the disappointed sunken feelings I had. I still remember walking out of that door with my divorce papers. Filling them in, buying an A4 envelope at a nearby shop after the sun sets and posting it hastily. And then I realised I forgot to paste the stamps. Why was I in a hurry to post it? Because I still love him too much and I did not want these love feelings to guide me. My heart says no. But my mind knows it is just not working out.

I remember the words I said so clearly to him. "I am applying for divorce. Do you want to work things out or not?" And he was on the mat laughing away like I was a fool. He didn't realise I was begging for him quietly to give me some sense of hope. And maybe, maybe I can run to him and cry in his lap. But no, he laughed...

Then it was time to pack mine and my son's bags. That sense of loss that night is unexplainable. It is very much a dark abyss. On that night, I asked him one last time that I am leaving. "Do you have anything to say to me?" And all I had was his back towards me and his laugh again.

That was the end of us.

And I still cannot stop grieving.