I Have Ptsd
For a time, I can easily forget how real it is. I can forget the disgusting, hurtful things I went through and simply love. Be my self ☀️
But my mind and body cannot forget. The pain. The nausea. Sometimes I will over eat because I'm afraid of not getting food, sometimes I will starve myself because the pain is so familiar and my life grows cold and lonely. I will have nightmares, wake screaming and so afraid no words will come out. I can't listen to anything, no music, no talking. I can't be around people. I can't stop crying, my emotions are completely out of control. No I will never be okay, I will never be master of my own mind. I can only ride the waves and try not to drown when the storms hit. Eventually they will destroy me. I know this. Please, you cannot know what this is like. My only hope is to do so much good that my existence is not wasted on the people who hurt me. There is no island for me to rest on. There is no hero to rescue me. There is only my strength and my courage. All sprung from love. But light does not overpower dark, dark is a power all it's own. I will always be torn in two. I do everything I can so my son won't suffer from my craziness, but he already is. Which makes it that much harder to be patient with myself and care about myself. I know it's not my fault. I have lived with this most of my life. All I know is that the storms will come and go and I will struggle.
But my mind and body cannot forget. The pain. The nausea. Sometimes I will over eat because I'm afraid of not getting food, sometimes I will starve myself because the pain is so familiar and my life grows cold and lonely. I will have nightmares, wake screaming and so afraid no words will come out. I can't listen to anything, no music, no talking. I can't be around people. I can't stop crying, my emotions are completely out of control. No I will never be okay, I will never be master of my own mind. I can only ride the waves and try not to drown when the storms hit. Eventually they will destroy me. I know this. Please, you cannot know what this is like. My only hope is to do so much good that my existence is not wasted on the people who hurt me. There is no island for me to rest on. There is no hero to rescue me. There is only my strength and my courage. All sprung from love. But light does not overpower dark, dark is a power all it's own. I will always be torn in two. I do everything I can so my son won't suffer from my craziness, but he already is. Which makes it that much harder to be patient with myself and care about myself. I know it's not my fault. I have lived with this most of my life. All I know is that the storms will come and go and I will struggle.
