Toxic Marriage [I Unhappy Marriage]

I haven’t even been married one year. This has been the worst experience of my entire life. I’m not gonna say it’s been all bad or that it’s been physically abusive or anything, but it’s been mentally agonizing. From being gaslighted, to my husband constantly being defensive, to walking on eggshells at all times, to crying for entire weekends and locking myself up in my room and having him not even text me or pretend I don’t exist for 48 hours, to one time leaving the house (which I never do) and him not knowing where I am, and him taking 5 hours to ask me where I went....why am I still trying? I think when he finally does “apologize” I picture the version of him that used to apologize when we were dating where he would really go out of his way to make sure I knew he was sorry. I think I put that image of him in my mind now and I don’t think he’s that person anymore. He keeps saying he doesn’t want this marriage to end, but I have a feeling we both just don’t want to have to end this marriage and that’s the only reason why we are still together. We do have good moments, but there’s been way more bad than good. He’s never cheated on me, but he used to do sneaky things behind my back when we were dating. Whether or not we stay together, the damage is done on my end. He’s really wrecked me as a person. I don’t tell him what to do, I don’t ask him where he goes, I cook, I clean, I make sure I always look good, sometimes I walk around the house in lingerie and he doesn’t even respond. And not to be prideful, but - I have a nice body and get compliments from men (and girls) frequently, so I know the problem is not me. Sex is minimal. We won’t have sex for a week and a half but then we do he acts like a savage, so I guess he does want it....? Just barely ever....?I’ve had girl friends tell me that’s not normal. I’ve actually wondered if this man is gay, but then I realize he checks out other women so I don’t think he is. It doesn’t sit right with me having to tell someone to act like they care or act like they want me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I know I deserve to be treated better than this because when I’m in a healthy relationship, Im an amazing partner. I basically wake up thinking “how can I make my partners day better today?”. Anyways, We both said that we never wanted a divorce (at the beginning before this whole mess). And every time we have a huge argument, he comes back and says he really wants this marriage to work. I need a man's input, here!! What is going on?! What does this mean?

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

reflectingmonkey · 51-55, M

you seem to both have good intentions and even both seem to care for each other but maybe you both need to develop a better way of communicating to each other how you feel, what you like and dislike and listen to each other with compassion, more compassion and less blame. if you make an effort at dressing sexy and he doesn't show appreciating? talk about it, without blame, and with compassion for each other. I am super bad with this sort of thing, my girlfriend knows me so sometimes she has to explain these things to me, like she'll send me a picture of her and I see it, love it, but totally forget to share with her how I felt about her picture, and she is the type of person who finds it important that I respond about message or picture. I am the type who forgets to compliment things, she is the type who takes this the bad way. I try to have compassion for her and comment more on her texts and posts, she tries to have compassion for the fact that I mean well but I am forgetful.

Girlygirl099 · 26-30, F

@reflectingmonkey but is it normal for a man to see that in person and not respond, multiple times? Like we aren’t fighting or anything sometimes. And then for a man to not check up on someone living under the same roof as them when they lock themselves in their room because they’re so sad? Like he shouldn’t have to be told all that. ☹️

reflectingmonkey · 51-55, M

@Girlygirl099 sometime we think that if something is obvious for us, or is important for us any normal person must be the same. instead of expecting something maybe would be just simpler to express your expectations thus giving him the benefit of the doubt that he means well because the alternative is to project that he must have ill intentions if he doesnt react the way you would. permit me to be the devil's advocate a bit but if you go to your room as a test to see if he'll react the way you want him to without having made your expectations clear and then if he doesn't react that way then he's guilty , well that is usually called entrapment. if going to your room is not a method of communication which works on him then use a way more catered to how he is. if I want to speak to a spanish speaking person I won't speak to them in french, I'll use a language that they understand.

Girlygirl099 · 26-30, F

@reflectingmonkey thank you, I definitely never thought of it that way!