I Battle Depression

Forgive me this is long ,but its from my heart ,you can delete it if you like
I won't be offended .

We can control what we think ,and at first it is hard to pull negative thoughts down and keep them down especially after loosing people you love and few actually get it .
I suffered from major manic depression ,then add service connected PTSD .
I was hell and I ruined everything I touched in the long run .
Brain always telling me I am not worthy ,I am faking it ,no one gives a crap what you think ,people only follow you because they are paid to .

Work for days and nights building something hoping my wife would be impressed and she wasn't .
More drugs ,more alcohol ,everyone loved me when I provided the party and then entertained them too ,
Sure leave a big mess for my wife to clean up and hate me and yall over .
(but she tried to be my angel ,she never complained ,until she left me )

But I now control it ,it no longer controls me
I have not had drugs for it in years and I have been clean and sober almost 26 years .
So you can manage it ,and I am sick of people telling me you can't .
That I don't understand ,,add 12 bad discs ,spurs in you're shoulders ,bad heart and a collapsed lung to that and the VA treats you like a drug addict for 20 yrs
They won't manage anything else until you finally prove you're in real pain
then they say adding insult to injury "If we had only caught this sooner "

But in some of the drug classes they made me go through ,I learned anger management and mindfulness ,,both helped a lot .anger and aggravation add to the pain that can at times be so bad you want to just end it all ,but you hold on for the people who do love you ,but its hard .
I hated they made me attend all those classed ,while in pain ,just to keep my pain meds ,but now I am glad I went .

Then helping others ,giving back ,that is a big part of it too .
Having people that actually care having you're back is a big help as well .
when you do for others ,and you stay positive ,others are more willing to care about you ,and you're well being .draw into self ,get bitter ,they avoid you .

Everyone feels better when they help someone else ,even if we don't feel they have it in us ,,we know outbursts will land us in jail so we control them
We know fits in public will land us in the nut ward ,so we control ourselves.
So you already know you have some control .
Its just a matter of learning how to do it all the time ..Pull negative thoughts and impulses down at once ,and the longer you do it ,the easier it becomes .

Society has no sympathy ,they like acting like they do ,but they don't
I refuse to be a statistic ,I am an overachiever ,and an overcomer
Its not easy ,but it is possible ,I proved you can .(A lot of people kept up with me just to see how I handled the VA treating me the way they did )

So a lot of others followed my lead ,they beat it too ..
Often it is a chemical imbalance ,but way to often its lack of coping skills
and until you find out which and fix it ,,it will keep on costing you .

I refuse to play the victim ,and I said every bit of this in love

I do get it ,,it ruined 2 marriages and cost me my kids ,I do get it a lot better then most . I have multiple health issues ,all of them can be depressing.

The addictions ,the pain of a real disability .loss ,it all plays hand in hand .

But its big money to some ,but no real help ,or some know it alls chance to play "Doctor ",, I have had people die in my arms ,most of them haven't dealt with anything like that once ,let alone many times .
What can they tell me ?I was beat daily as a child ,they grew up in loving homes with opportunities ,what can they tell me about abuse and poor core beliefs ?,
Explain to me how the people who should have protected me let me down ?,tell me something I don't know ,not the things I told you .
How do you move past it ?
but no one knew ,just Clichés like "you gotta let it go ,Give it to God "
But no one told me how .
They are healthy ,no constant back pain ,but they know what I need ?
I have lived with it ,and successfully control it ,I can finally share what works for me ,but I know already ,not everyone is me .
I now consider all I have lived through as what made me ,not what broke me .

Someone who knows what its like to actually listen ,and stop acting like its easy ,its not ,its hard work to let the past go and live for now .
You have to force you're mind to focus ,not let it drift back to the things that cause you pain .Look for the good and the things you have to be thankful for and not allow the BUT's to come back in ,you have to kick the negative out and learn to keep it out ,,music ,work ,helping others ,talking to others ,all helps .

Its an hour by hour work ,and it won't happen until people get
We can control what we think .its just harder for some of us until you learn how .
I love the kids that tell me "Not everyone is you " or you don't know what I have been through "and they have not been through ANYTHING ,and then tell me its all about Perception ..yes it is ,they want to be a victim and I refuse .

Thats my perspective ,be trapped in you're mind a year and can't walk
and all those thoughts non stop running through you're brain ,and no one believes you're pain is real until a surgeon finally says
"His spine looks like a 90 yr old man ,his pain is real , its not in his head "
when you're own wife has told you're family ,you're not in pain ,you just want her to support you ,you're just a drunk and a drug addict ,you're just sorry .
And they believe her ,cause "You have gone down hill from the hard working men you used to be ,its like you have given up ..NO I AM IN PAIN and NO one is Listening ,,I am a VET ,I built locomotives and homes ,was a star ,and you think I like this ? You're the ones who are NUTS ,I need you're love and support .not you telling me I have given up and I'm sorry ..but sometimes you have to go through the toughest things in life ALONE ,with no one understanding .
Because they can't unless they have walked in you're shoes .

You would have thought I finally won when I had a doctor say I am in bad shape and now I have MRI's to support it ,,but no my fight was not over ,
because of those who abuse narcotics ,my fight had just began ,,I was 30 when I had major back surgery and they removed part of my spine .
Its only been in the last 6 yrs that I finally was able to get a full body MRI and a specialist willing to treat my physical pain .I have paid out the nose for the help ,so I had to work and pay a lot of this out of pocket ,while in pain .

I think the fight ,and not willing to give up finally saved me ,made me strong
So I can endure the rest of it .
As I lay here alone most weeks ,5 days a week ,its not been easy
but it would have been impossible had I not learned ,you can control what you think .and what you do and say dealing with others also makes a difference .
but its work
day by day ,sometimes minute by minute .

It's actually a horrible thing to go through. Seems like still a glimpse of humour there, perhaps, so that's probably a good thing. Hope you feel better soon.