I Battle Depression
If only, just a little love. Can’t I have it?
I want to believe that I am so strong. That even if no body ever support, say a little encouragement, or is there to pick up the broken pieces of my heart I can just suck it up and move on.
But I am here sitting by myself, in the silence of my car and with only my hands wiping my own tears.
It really hurts when I have done and given up so much and never once did I get a genuine offer of “are you alright, let me help you?” “Anything I can help you with?”
I was physically sick. I had gone to work and came back with migraines and a very tight neck; laid in bed with a pack of ice on my head and still wake up an hour later to go work my second job. This is my life, everyday. Who would not be depressed. But not a word of support or encouragement or empathy for my position. Who would say to the person who have supported them financially and emotionally, you deserve all the pain you ever experience. I acted all tough, and said I love you either way; but inside I am dying. Sometimes, I wish I would just drop dead. Let them watch me lay on the hospital bed. Let them watch the life suck out of me. Let them do my funeral.
Then I realize, nothing will take this away from me. Not my love for my shitty family. Nor my hate for them. I didn’t wanna go out there and “make a new life.” People always talk about how things happen in their life and that change everything for them. But it never happened in mine. In the end, I am still alone—boating alone in this thing we call life. It’s hard to see the future and I try very hard to stay positive. But My mind imagine salvation when I have given up this body.
I wanna laid down and just go to sleep, but I still have to go to work.
I want to believe that I am so strong. That even if no body ever support, say a little encouragement, or is there to pick up the broken pieces of my heart I can just suck it up and move on.
But I am here sitting by myself, in the silence of my car and with only my hands wiping my own tears.
It really hurts when I have done and given up so much and never once did I get a genuine offer of “are you alright, let me help you?” “Anything I can help you with?”
I was physically sick. I had gone to work and came back with migraines and a very tight neck; laid in bed with a pack of ice on my head and still wake up an hour later to go work my second job. This is my life, everyday. Who would not be depressed. But not a word of support or encouragement or empathy for my position. Who would say to the person who have supported them financially and emotionally, you deserve all the pain you ever experience. I acted all tough, and said I love you either way; but inside I am dying. Sometimes, I wish I would just drop dead. Let them watch me lay on the hospital bed. Let them watch the life suck out of me. Let them do my funeral.
Then I realize, nothing will take this away from me. Not my love for my shitty family. Nor my hate for them. I didn’t wanna go out there and “make a new life.” People always talk about how things happen in their life and that change everything for them. But it never happened in mine. In the end, I am still alone—boating alone in this thing we call life. It’s hard to see the future and I try very hard to stay positive. But My mind imagine salvation when I have given up this body.
I wanna laid down and just go to sleep, but I still have to go to work.
31-35, F
