I Battle Depression

well ....here i am.... still alive. another day i regretfully survived. they say thank God that i didnt die. but all i can ask God is why? im tired of living im tired of false hope. im tired of people thinking that im some joke. too many yeses theres no pleasing these folks. their whole persona changes when i tell em nope. why do it feel like my life is cursed? i feel theres no reason for my birth. i hate myself i have no worth. i dont care to live on planet earth. all i want is to feel important. but instead i wish my parents had an abortion. i grew up a screw up, thats my misfortune. let it all out. no! instead i will tell only a portion. will i feel better if i go to a therapy session? i know that i have built in anger and aggression . i constantly battle depression and to die is my suggestion. are you willing to help me after im done with my confession. i get told theres others who have it worse ..dont you think i know that?! you expect for me to be happy and content with me knowing that fact! i know most think a brain is something that i lack. im just sick and tired of failing when i try to improve my stats. so far i most likely will not get married. ill have no child to proudly carry. im single, im alone until i am buried. i guess a love life is unnecessary. God can i just please cease to exist. that is a prayer not just some wish. im done asking for any positive assist. these negative thoughts are hard to resist.

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Disturbed12 · 26-30, M

You know, you've completely described me. I often feel like it'd be far better if I never existed! It's a terrible curse. But at least we are both at the same road, so I can empathize with you. The thing is nothing is going to miraculously change our conditions. Depression is very real. The utter feeling of self-hatred is enough to drive a man crazy. Everything I do ends up badly. Everywhere I go, problems happen. Every time I love, I get heartbroken. I have no girlfriend. I feel like nobody loves me. I am like a speck of a dust, or even less important. I don't matter to anyone. I feel terrible all the time. I feel unbelievable hatred towards me. I have no confidence, it has reached to level zero.

BUT I AM STILL ALIVE. STILL GOING. STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE "WHY". AND I WANT YOU TO DO THE SAME.

I don't believe in god. Doesn't matter if he's really up there, cause he doesn't care. Don't ask anything to him. We were told from our young ages that we deserve this, we deserve that, we should have this, we should have that. But should we actually? Our depressions come from the needs and wishes of us. "We need to match ourselves with other people's lives and luxuries", that's what we were taught. Oh come on, no one is bound to anyone. Other people matter little to us. We lack personification. From today, stop looking at other people's life. Stop looking for appreciation from them. Take a walk outside, think only about yourself. Forget comfortableness, forget happiness, let go of everything from the past. You will start your new journey from today. Start by loving yourself. You are most important to yourself.

Start helping others (which I'm trying to do at present). Just give money to homeless persons. Help an old people to get across the road. Help a young people by giving good advice. Help a depressed person by telling him everything's gonna be okay and you love him. Help a dog, help a driver. Help anyone. You'll feel satisfaction. You'll feel important. Get busy helping others, you will find your meaning. Be nice to people. Think of making someone's day better rather than thinking how bad your days are going.

Don't go after happiness. It's not permanent. Go after peace. Make peace with your mind. Accept the things you can't change, have the courage to change the things you can. Accept your condition. Accept that it's okay to be sad and depressed. It's not a crime. Then everything will fall into pieces. And you will be at peace.

BEST OF LUCK (to you and me both).

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Cali01 · 36-40, M

im actually a lil better. i just got caught up in my thoughts. i have too much time to myself. i get what youre saying a believe me i tried all of that. praying(well im not the best at having faith in God either. i know hes there but i also know that God dont always say yes, one of those annoying test i get pht through). i tried staying posistive but everytime theres bit of relief, it hits me out of nowhere, its almost like im bipolar.

Disturbed12 · 26-30, M

@Cali01 Stay strong man. Whenever you feel low just talk to somebody. I am here too, give a knock whenever you need a talk.

Cali01 · 36-40, M

@Disturbed12 im here for you too. listening to others helps keep my mind off myself.

kimmy159 · F

I've been through 5 years of depression, a year of therapy, 2 years of different meds only to conclude that there aren't any real solutions or answers for it.
My own problem is that I don't see the purpose of life. And people who do just seem like they desperately want to "invent some purpose to follow and convince themselves that this should be it".
And whenever I don't see the point of something, I simply don't want to do it.
Why do I have to get up for work every day and make money monthly to have to give it away to things and then repeat it all over again and again. Why do we have to blend in to society and contribute, meet people, build up to something. I wonder at what point we stopped living and are being lived instead.

I tried talking to friends about it, but they don't really understand it. I just have this constant feeling that I never wanted to live, like it's one of those "unwanted gifts you get for Christmas and have to pretend to be happy about it and smile."

But... I don't want to hurt the people who surround me by giving up. The one and only thing that I do find meaningful is giving my time to other people.
Seeing them smile, knowing that I added to that, that's the most meaningful thing I could find so far.

That being said, I'm here for you if you want to talk about it.

And @Disturbed12 , I'll be there for you too <3 Whenever you feel like you can't cope, just send me a message and I'll always do my best :-)) ~

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kimmy159 · F

@Disturbed12 I especially appreciate chocolate services ;p

Heheh jk ^^

Theraphy was a huge waste of time and money for me looking back at it now. My therapist kept trying to look for reasons as to why I felt depressed. It was emotionally so draining that I balanced on the edge of non-functioning at the time. I usually felt worse when I left there than when I got there because she would make me dig into those feelings rather than repressing them.
I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. I just felt like depression was starting to control me instead by doing so.
After a year, she still couldn't determine what the reason was for my depression loose from me repeating over and over that I just don't see a purpose to anything, that nothing really excites me in life and that little things motivate me. She couldn't believe that people could just be depressed without some deeper kind of reason.

Idk, I still don't know how I feel about it ^^
I just know that it's better if I repress it as much as I can.

Disturbed12 · 26-30, M

@kimmy159 I'm just glad (and proud) that you're doing better on your own. That therapy sounds like a horrible experience. And a whole year you had to go through it! I am telling, you yourself are a better therapist than her!

Cali01 · 36-40, M

@kimmy159 yeah i like to goof around and i use to hide it really well but people that know me are startinv to notice. right now im stuck in a hotel due to a temporary job transfer. im far away from friends and i just cant make new friends. so im just here alone with my thoughts the majority of the time.

SW-User

I feel your pain, I've been struggling with these thoughts most of my life and they got worse recently. I'm becoming numb and not wanting to talk to people anymore because I feel like I'm just not worth their time. My hobbies and interests are really the only thing keeping me alive at this point. Hang in there.

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kimmy159 · F

@SW-User No positive things can happen from negative thoughts, that's what I tell myself ;) it helps to a certain extent.

SW-User

@kimmy159 It's hard some days

Cali01 · 36-40, M

@SW-User im starting to not even enjoy my hobbies anymore.

Dolimyte · 41-45, M

Yeah. I know how that feels.

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