I Miss You More Than You Will Ever Know
Just a rant(I'm not doing so good today)
It's definitely better at times but I am not doing so well today. I hate that I am this age and I feel like I'm 15. I can not believe I still have tears over this. Every day it's bad. Maybe it's bad today because I am not distracted. This week is a much needed rest from work but it's also a week that we planned a long time ago to do something really wonderful. It hurts that you don't want to see me. It hurts that I'm by myself during this week that I expected to be with you.
Despite my better judgement I believed in your sweet words coming from your nice voice. I love your face and your body. I loved your hands on me and the way that you massaged my back. I thought I was special and different. I miss how it was.
At the beginning, I was cautious. I knew the odds were against us. The distance between us and the timing was terrible. You made me believe it could happen. You convinced me to believe in you.
It was exciting and fun, and I thought our love was true. You've moved on so easily. I can't blame you. You've found someone close to you. New love is exciting and so fun. But... I wasn't finished yet. I begin to doubt that your feelings were real. I start to feel like I was just someone that you used to get through a difficult time. Can you blame me? You dumped me as soon as you were divorced and started this new relationship as soon as it was publicly acceptable to date locally. I am something you used and kept secret while you needed it and then you threw me away. I acted trashy and I was treated like trash in the end.
I look back at some of the messages and pictures. I think differently despite how awful I feel. You shouldn't ask nice ladies to be your wife before you are divorced. That's the only reason I said no. You really made me believe that I was going to be part of your future. I made the mistake of planning accordingly in my head. I was cautious only in regards to what I said, I let my imagination run wild anticipating a day when we would be together.
You wrote some very nice things to me. You wrote "Just maybe all our lives, we have been preparing to do something big in His name. I think of you as my wife already in many ways. Clearly we have a long way to go to achieve the oneness that God desires for us. But we are already attached in the heart It's a start, I'm excited to roll down Gods pathway and see where He takes me/us. I love you. I'm here for you as long as you will have me. Have a wonderful blessed day. Please drive carefully"
All of these nice things that you said. It felt so nice while in the middle of it. I knew better but I did it anyways. How could God bless a relationship that started in adultery. I am getting what I deserve. I am learning some very hard lessons.
I am not expecting anything from you. The last text you sent to me I think was meant for her. I was so excited and then you never answered back. It's really better that you don't make any contact with me at all. I don't really care how things are with you. I know you are happy. You have new love in your life. Things always seem to work out for you. So save your time and don't contact me because the only thing that I really want to hear from you is "I love you. I am so sorry. I've made a horrible mistake and treated you terribly. I hope you forgive me. I will spend the rest our lives making it up to you."
That won't happen. At this point, I am so hurt I am not certain I could even speak. I'm not certain that I could even let you touch me. I know if we talked or if you saw me you would feel different. It's easy to forget about a nice lady you once loved when she lives so far away from you and you have a new nice lady close by. I get it. I am not worth the effort anymore.
It's definitely better at times but I am not doing so well today. I hate that I am this age and I feel like I'm 15. I can not believe I still have tears over this. Every day it's bad. Maybe it's bad today because I am not distracted. This week is a much needed rest from work but it's also a week that we planned a long time ago to do something really wonderful. It hurts that you don't want to see me. It hurts that I'm by myself during this week that I expected to be with you.
Despite my better judgement I believed in your sweet words coming from your nice voice. I love your face and your body. I loved your hands on me and the way that you massaged my back. I thought I was special and different. I miss how it was.
At the beginning, I was cautious. I knew the odds were against us. The distance between us and the timing was terrible. You made me believe it could happen. You convinced me to believe in you.
It was exciting and fun, and I thought our love was true. You've moved on so easily. I can't blame you. You've found someone close to you. New love is exciting and so fun. But... I wasn't finished yet. I begin to doubt that your feelings were real. I start to feel like I was just someone that you used to get through a difficult time. Can you blame me? You dumped me as soon as you were divorced and started this new relationship as soon as it was publicly acceptable to date locally. I am something you used and kept secret while you needed it and then you threw me away. I acted trashy and I was treated like trash in the end.
I look back at some of the messages and pictures. I think differently despite how awful I feel. You shouldn't ask nice ladies to be your wife before you are divorced. That's the only reason I said no. You really made me believe that I was going to be part of your future. I made the mistake of planning accordingly in my head. I was cautious only in regards to what I said, I let my imagination run wild anticipating a day when we would be together.
You wrote some very nice things to me. You wrote "Just maybe all our lives, we have been preparing to do something big in His name. I think of you as my wife already in many ways. Clearly we have a long way to go to achieve the oneness that God desires for us. But we are already attached in the heart It's a start, I'm excited to roll down Gods pathway and see where He takes me/us. I love you. I'm here for you as long as you will have me. Have a wonderful blessed day. Please drive carefully"
All of these nice things that you said. It felt so nice while in the middle of it. I knew better but I did it anyways. How could God bless a relationship that started in adultery. I am getting what I deserve. I am learning some very hard lessons.
I am not expecting anything from you. The last text you sent to me I think was meant for her. I was so excited and then you never answered back. It's really better that you don't make any contact with me at all. I don't really care how things are with you. I know you are happy. You have new love in your life. Things always seem to work out for you. So save your time and don't contact me because the only thing that I really want to hear from you is "I love you. I am so sorry. I've made a horrible mistake and treated you terribly. I hope you forgive me. I will spend the rest our lives making it up to you."
That won't happen. At this point, I am so hurt I am not certain I could even speak. I'm not certain that I could even let you touch me. I know if we talked or if you saw me you would feel different. It's easy to forget about a nice lady you once loved when she lives so far away from you and you have a new nice lady close by. I get it. I am not worth the effort anymore.
51-55, F
