I Hate Conflicting Emotions

Sometimes I wonder if I should've ever started talking to them. They'd be better off not knowing me anyways and I, though lonely would not feel so devastated and guilty. It's the worst feeling I've experienced in my life so far. But why the hell, if I had the chance to change it, am I so hesitant to say I would? I don't know what to think if I'd never talked and shared with them. It's one of the happiest times I've experienced my life and has always been the highlight of my day from the start. What I'm willing to try and do, how I write and communicate, now vs before them is like two completely different people. It's the best and the worst. I don't know...