I Have Trust Issues
Once Bitten, Twice Shy... I have trust issues big time. I'm realizing this more and more as I go forward in life. I know why I have trust issues also. I have trust issues because of how I was raised. Looking back it's ironic that the concepts of trust, integrity, honesty, and responsibility were drilled, preached, and lectured into me while at the same time breaking my concept of trust.
Just picture a childhood spent answering questions to a father who constantly questions with things like "Are you sure that's what happened?", "Really?", "You're not telling me everything.". So while he was trying to teach me that honesty is important, and that trust is a hard thing to earn, he also doubled up with not trusting me when I was telling him things. I notice the same pattern in myself these days and I don't like it.
Another problem I have is noticing patterns and mannerisms. I'm an observant person and notice slight changes in actions, emotion, ex<x>pression, voice, eye movement, speech patterns. It drives me crazy to be hyper-aware of people around me, but I find myself not being able to turn it off. Combine that with trust issues and you get someone who has a very hard time trusting anyone because he sees slight changes in patterns as signs of something.
That all being said, I find it very hard to give a second chance to a person who has betrayed my trust. I also believe that everyone deserves to be able to start over if they truly desire to. It's a contradiction between my belief and my conditioning. Kind of like the poster for X-Files "I Want to Believe".
I have to come to terms with that myself. I need to grow out of my own suspicious nature and grow into a trusting person. A true trusting person. I also need to make sure I don't allow my attempt to be trusting let someone take advantage of that. As with all things, it's about balance. I just need to find my golden path.
Just picture a childhood spent answering questions to a father who constantly questions with things like "Are you sure that's what happened?", "Really?", "You're not telling me everything.". So while he was trying to teach me that honesty is important, and that trust is a hard thing to earn, he also doubled up with not trusting me when I was telling him things. I notice the same pattern in myself these days and I don't like it.
Another problem I have is noticing patterns and mannerisms. I'm an observant person and notice slight changes in actions, emotion, ex<x>pression, voice, eye movement, speech patterns. It drives me crazy to be hyper-aware of people around me, but I find myself not being able to turn it off. Combine that with trust issues and you get someone who has a very hard time trusting anyone because he sees slight changes in patterns as signs of something.
That all being said, I find it very hard to give a second chance to a person who has betrayed my trust. I also believe that everyone deserves to be able to start over if they truly desire to. It's a contradiction between my belief and my conditioning. Kind of like the poster for X-Files "I Want to Believe".
I have to come to terms with that myself. I need to grow out of my own suspicious nature and grow into a trusting person. A true trusting person. I also need to make sure I don't allow my attempt to be trusting let someone take advantage of that. As with all things, it's about balance. I just need to find my golden path.
41-45, M