I Am Lost, I Am Lost In My Mind, My Emotions, My Feelings
This is just me self-loathing and going on emotional tangents.
Now that I'm back to working almost full time it's like everything that I thought I had solved is coming back into the light and I realize I just shoved allllll my problems under that think rug called isolation.
I see all types of people every day. And I try not to compare myself to others but it seems like I do it even in my subconscious.
One prospect that scares me is feeling as terrible as I did in 2016. Very specific but that was the worst of the worst. At least I think it was. I don't want to find out if I can sink lower.
But sometimes when I'm out and about or at work, it feels like some is rubbing my brain, me, and everything that defines me against a cheese shredder. I can always feel myself whittling down. Until I get off work take a shower and roll back into my container I call my room.
I wonder how am I supposed to be an adult and I can't evenly communicate properly enough to keep a friend. I'm too naive. Most of the time I feel soo stupid. I don't understand why I get so sad when I make mistakes. But my brain just ruminates on all mistakes. Especially social. I wish I could just somehow physically manifest all these negative emotions and burn them at the stake. I get that "being happy is a choice" everything in life is a fu*kin choice but my mind is a bad habit. I feel like my existence is too. I've gotten so used to exist.
Because I have to be around people all these moods have been compromising my joy on the daily. The mornings are peaceful but by the night time my mind has dragged in all the sh*t I thought I buried yesterday. Seems like everyone is pushing in on me from all side but here I am trying to expand and its just suffocating. I just keep wishing I could talk to someone.
I keep telling myself that if I get a counselor EVERYTHING will get better and I am sure I setting the bar to high. If im able to get a counselor its possible I will have a terrible experience. But I feel like I have all these skeletons in my closet. And whenever anyone tries to human with me im to busy trying to hide everything that is and was me.
Now that I'm back to working almost full time it's like everything that I thought I had solved is coming back into the light and I realize I just shoved allllll my problems under that think rug called isolation.
I see all types of people every day. And I try not to compare myself to others but it seems like I do it even in my subconscious.
One prospect that scares me is feeling as terrible as I did in 2016. Very specific but that was the worst of the worst. At least I think it was. I don't want to find out if I can sink lower.
But sometimes when I'm out and about or at work, it feels like some is rubbing my brain, me, and everything that defines me against a cheese shredder. I can always feel myself whittling down. Until I get off work take a shower and roll back into my container I call my room.
I wonder how am I supposed to be an adult and I can't evenly communicate properly enough to keep a friend. I'm too naive. Most of the time I feel soo stupid. I don't understand why I get so sad when I make mistakes. But my brain just ruminates on all mistakes. Especially social. I wish I could just somehow physically manifest all these negative emotions and burn them at the stake. I get that "being happy is a choice" everything in life is a fu*kin choice but my mind is a bad habit. I feel like my existence is too. I've gotten so used to exist.
Because I have to be around people all these moods have been compromising my joy on the daily. The mornings are peaceful but by the night time my mind has dragged in all the sh*t I thought I buried yesterday. Seems like everyone is pushing in on me from all side but here I am trying to expand and its just suffocating. I just keep wishing I could talk to someone.
I keep telling myself that if I get a counselor EVERYTHING will get better and I am sure I setting the bar to high. If im able to get a counselor its possible I will have a terrible experience. But I feel like I have all these skeletons in my closet. And whenever anyone tries to human with me im to busy trying to hide everything that is and was me.
