I Am A Christian But Im Not Perfect

I saw my past yesterday, it brought back a flood of memories with it, and I wanted to defend myself, but he already whispered what I would have said....Truth be told I wanted to be myself and somehow fix my mistakes by talking it over with him, I wanted to say that I am no longer ashamed by what the spirit of Jezebel made me do, I wanted to say that I am covered in the blood of Christ and am washed clean in the sight of God, and therefore had no right to be ashamed anymore.....I wanted to show him some loyalty, but I got the fragrance of life that he would betray my loyalty.....Lord I don't know what to do....how am I supposed to feel about that? I just want to build up a wall and protect myself from him.........He must really hate me? Or its not in his nature to have compassion on the least of these.....I have forgiven him for the past, but what about the future now that the damage was done....will he hurt me again like he did in the past? Do I just go on about my business like nothing ever happened? You wouldn't believe how great the damage was done....it truly was a hell like satanic attack in its fullest force. And we all were it's victims. And for that I'm sorry.