I Admire My Mother

So today i went shopping to buy some clothes with some money i had for my upcoming birthday in a week. As i was done and heading for the door, i realised that i never bought my mum a single gift, not for her birthday nor mother's day. It's nothing when you realise that we have a really dysfunctional relationship me and her, she hates me to my bones and tbh it was a mutual feeling, she always belittled me and used each and every single gathering (wether friends or family) to call me a failure and belittle me. It got to the point where her words were so harsh that people would tell her to stop because i'm her son!! She can't possible say that about me, she didn't really care if i was standing there or not, she always called out my flaws and imperfections wether there were people or not, she would call me names and just treat me like absoulte trash despite being in public. So i never knew what maternal love is really, and i'd cringe and feel a twist inside when i see a mother being affectionate with her son in public or someone posting a pitcture of him and his mum stating how much she means to him. But recently i would just avoid her and be myself, live in my own world, work so hard on being successful and making sure i would be strong enough to suppott myself as i want to leave this house as soon as i can because i know i won't ever see her again in my life or let her anywhere close to my children in the future. But over time our relationship got a bit better, no more names-calling, no more calling me a failure, just a bunch of simple words every day and that is it. Today i took the first step today, i knew i had to get her something nice, even tho i spent all my money and only had my own pocket money for the rest of this going month, i eventually bought her a pair of Ralph Lauren sunglasses, because i know she is obssessed with owning sunglasses, i had to pay almost all my money but i couldnt care less, i know she deserved this. I know deep down i still love that woman, she brought me to this life despite making it a living hell for me and practically killing my self esteem as long as i live because tbh i will always look at myself in her own words, "ugly, horrendous, mentally retarded, despicable, disgarce of a human being,.. " yeah.. But still, i want to thank her for being my mum and my dad since my dad is always working abroad, i want to thank her for taking in all the responsibility for raising me and ny sisters, for giving up her life for our sake. I wasn't a great son to begin with. So this goes to my mum, thank you, for everything.