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I Feel So Lost

‘Did you bet all your hopes on a single thing to make you happy?’

‘This can't go on forever, can’t you just call it a mistake leave it in the past, and be the new you?’


I didn’t think about it the terms of ‘bet all my hopes on a single thing to make my happy’. I just happened to feel a “happiness” that I never felt, knew of, expected or wanted.

I resisted it but eventually I risked letting go to let a “new me” be; one that could feel that happiness without shame and hesitation. I unconsciously put my [i]everything[/i] into and poured my heart out with that “new me”, when I talked to them. I was so happy and I felt... loved, wanted, something more indescribable.

Then they told me the thing.

I let go of the last’s things about myself that I loved, took pride in and kept me safe. And it was for nothing. Except “new me” turning into this depression and self hatred.

I should’ve kept resisting, I was wrong to feel that, think or hope that I could have that. What’s done is done. I don’t think I have heart, spirit, or anything to put into trying another “new me”.

I got [i]nothing[/i] in exchange for letting go of those things I liked about me that I can’t get back. It’s highlighted [i]everything[/] I hate about myself from showing my known flaws to be horrid and detrimental and new flaws I didn’t know I had. I don’t think I tried to feel that “happiness” again. I just tried to forget that I felt it at, which barely works, or tried not feel anything.

I don’t know if it can go forever or not. If it can’t, then I’m just waiting. If I have to do something proactive, then I don’t think I have the will to pull myself out of the hole I dug myself into. So it’s just my fault that I’m stuck. There’s no real reason to feel bad for me if I don’t have the will to try to fix it anymore.
I did exactly that. Thought everything would be perfect if she came back.needless to say she didnt , but im fighting back now and gonna do my best to sort myself out.

 
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