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I Am Afraid of Having Children

My God I think about this constantly.
I was only normal as a child briefly before things took a dark turn in my life.
I was emotionally neglected and not defended by my mother and abused incessantly by my father until I learned how to fight back.
I have two little sisters who I love with all my heart and would die for them.
But there’s a disconnect with children. Especially happy children because it’s not like humans, it's like they’re like aliens. I didn’t know any part of normalcy. How could I provide it comfortably?
The majority of the components that make up my personality are broken and not kid friendly. If I become a father, so much would have to be concealed and hidden away.
Despite a horrid past I choose to love gently and sink deeply into the people I love. I just don’t know if I could ever be a good father to children I know would deserve a lighthearted and fulfilling childhood.
walabby · 61-69, M
By the sound of you, you'll do fine.. You don't have to turn out like your father. His example may have shown you what NOT to do??
I had a similar upbringing and share your concern about passing on the dysfunction. Yet it seems we can learn a lot from an unideal childhood and are more likely to be more keenly aware of destructive behavior patterns. I hope your parents' mistakes won't deter you. Your experience just may have shaped you into someone capable of being the father a child deserves.
Syktur · 26-30, M
@AnonymouslyYours Maybe one day. x

 
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