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I Am Not Perfect

but the notion of perfection has altered my life.

It started when I got the news. News that some would be joyous to hear. News that brought me not joy, but complete panic..
You're pregnant.

Not what your thinking, not even close. There is no one to teach me to parent. No role models, no manuals. I have everything else..like Love And Money And A Big House..

So I made big, huge, brave, plans. Crashed course, bargained with whomever would listen..I'm going to be perfect...my prodigy deserves nothing less. Make me perfect, so they'll never know that I don't know what I'm doing.

And Perfect I Was Until My Little Prodigy Showed Me What That Facade Meant To Her...

She showed me that the pressure to measure was too much. I thought we were safe. Because not only years ago had I paid Styx for safe passage with my blood, but I had dotted my i's and crossed my t's.

I Loved her unconditionally, gave her everything, made her my high priority, but gave myself scraps and the leavings. Jokes on me because the life I manufactured, she saw through. She thought she didn't deserve the homage...and she unraveled.

Destroyed skin, 90 pounds, white addiction...all gave her a truth, she was missing.

Her truth almost destroyed us. So, she blew away the perfection with a nuclear bomb, and together we are not only finding those pieces but building a new reality.

We can love each other when we're NOT perfect.
Cheesecake · 61-69, M
That's some really powerful stuff! You have an awesome way of expressing yourself. How old is your daughter, if you don't mind me asking? :-)
Cheesecake · 61-69, M
That's a nice thing to say. I appreciate it. I'm glad it has helped you to share some of your experience. I found it quite powerful and moving. I look forward to reading more from you :-)
@Cheesecake Any parent who says they'd do anything for their kids is gold in my book.
Sometimes once I start writing, I can't stop. So, I'll let you know when I have more.
Nice to meet you. 🙂
Cheesecake · 61-69, M
@dragonfly46 Likewise :-)
lubovont · 70-79, M
Your story here is a epic poem; a hero's journey of tragedy but... sounds like a ray of hope as well?

Life can be filled with nuclear bombs one after another until the landscape is cratered. Do we shelter in the craters, or climb out and brave the fallout?
@lubovont My friend, if I may call you that..☺ I try every day to climb out and brave the fallout. It's hard..some days though, I do climb in that big crater and hide until I can get up and walk again. You found my story...thoughts?? This story is very personal.
lubovont · 70-79, M
I could tell it was personal yes. Seems the truly personal ones are more difficult to just bluntly write out — it makes for an artistic statement and there is real poetry in how you described your experience... but I can hear in your words that poetry was not your goal... that you were processing deep stuff. Pain and confusion and even shame. I'm familiar with those feelings and so your words struck a deep note.
@lubovont It's been hard to write about something so personal, not because of getting it out, I find that therapeutic. Just that people project their own bias on it, and then you have to spend time fielding those projections. Now I could ignore, but I found the poster to be very intelligent but his projection was blinding him to my words. The only knock down drag out fights I have had on Q and A sites was because of this fact. The other two fights I had ever in 6 years of Q and A were about me giving Hope to and underage girl in a dysfunctional home and a person who minded that I felt the most hurtful thing you can do to another is forget they exist. When reading MY opinion they lost their shit. To the point of being harassed many months and years later, sad. I could have learned much from them but their own bias kept them in the dark..
Thank you for your kind observations. I appreciate it immensely. I do wish I could write more. The format is the way I write hard things. I love words.
QueenOfSmiles · 46-50, F
Heart breaking. I’m sorry, dear.
@QueenOfSmiles Thank you for your support. I appreciate that.
Montanaman · M
Although heartbreaking, and true, this was told with a great deal of love, regret, and insight. Or perhaps I should say, hindsight. 💔🤗🤗💕💕
@Montanaman Hey there, nice to see you here. So I see you found this.
Thank you much for your answer and for the hugs and hearts. I sure needed that lift in spirit today. 🤗
You are a kind gentleman.
Montanaman · M
@dragonfly46 you are truly welcome and truly deserving🤗💕
🤗
Tatsumi · 31-35, M
Been there. I actually got down to 90 pounds, myself. I assume you mean cocaine, by "white addiction."

But. It kind of irritates me hearing a parent blame their child.

And yes. We can.
@Tatsumi Look you're not me, you are welcome to believe as you wish. But you can't comment in an objective manner at all.
Because you are butt hurt about your own issues you are putting those issues on me. Please keep your bias to yourself.
My suggestion is if you feel strongly about this, work on this issue with your own parents. I feel like your issues are very unresolved. I'm truly sorry that your parents blamed You for everything and that's ALL that You see. You obviously harbor a lot of anger about this. I'm not your parents and don't deserve such treatment from you. Take your issue home, where it belongs.
You seem like a really smart person, who usually can objectively look at issues. I think your thoughts on many issues that are not as sensitive would be worth talking to you about. This conversation will get us no where.
Tatsumi · 31-35, M
@dragonfly46 Lol. Okay. Thank you for the later half.

If you'll indulge me this one last request. What, specifically, did you mean by the parts I quoted from your story?

[quote]And Perfect I Was Until My Little Prodigy Showed Me What That Facade Meant To Her...[/quote]

[Her truth almost destroyed us.][quote]So, she blew away the perfection with a nuclear bomb[/quote] [and together we are not only finding those pieces but building a new reality.]
@Tatsumi Hey thanks for asking. Well honestly I never thought I'd be able to parent. I'd been horribly abused and abandoned at a very young age and the thought of parenting scared me to inactivity. I was so afraid that I'd produce another generation of dysfunction. So I figured if I did everything that I could(be perfect, or flawless) that that would be enough. So I made a beautiful life, literally. I have a man that I've loved who is her father, did the whole white picket fence. Trying so hard to be the mom I thought she needed. In my quest to give her that perfect life, I never realized that she could see through it, and because she saw through it, she realized not that I was doing this because I thought that's what I was supposed to do but that she wasn't good enough for my stupid facade. So, here I was thinking I was doing the right thing and instead the stupid perfection was destroying her. So, she was so hungry for simplicity and something real that she went looking for things that would make her feel real. Her anorexia and cutting and meth abuse made her feel real.
We were both trying to do right by each other, and instead we were searching for the same thing without realizing it.
In the end she blew up my stupid but I thought necessary facade that I built for her. Because in the end she just wanted my TRUE self to love her as she is. No pressure, no bullshit, no pretty perfection, she wanted her REAL mother flaws and all.
I inadvertently taught her that perfection was everything. In the end my screw up almost destroyed us. I've never been perfect and she has NOT fucked up my life. She is my life.
SW-User
you are no where near perfect
@SW-User Exactly.

 
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