I Sometimes Feel Lonely
When I first joined this site, it gave me a lot of suggestions for groups to join. Obviously, numerous recommendations popped up, and many of them matched my predisposition, including the topics on loneliness, but for some reason, I was adamant about not joining any of them.
I can't remember why I was feeling that way. Maybe it was because I sincerely wasn't lonely at that time. Or maybe it was because I was in utter denial. Whatever the case, I'm feeling it tonight, and I just can't ignore it any longer.
I thought that I was beginning to come into my own, and appreciate myself, enjoying time with just me. It's a goal that I've been striving toward for some time now, and it's a little disappointing that I'm coming up short.
I'm not quite sure what it is, but I have this desire to be needed. I have no idea where it comes from because I am needed. I can think of several people off the top of my head at this very moment who would love to have my company or support at this moment, but I'm not sure what it is... maybe it's not the desire to be needed. Maybe I want to be loved.
For so long, I've been in love with the idea of being in love. It's silly. I know that there are upsides and downsides to that world, just like anything else. I know that my value does not increase if someone else believes they love me. I know that love is not a task to accomplish or some new stage of life that transforms me into some new, unbroken person.
And although I know all of these things, it seems that I can't get over the dream of wanting all this to be. To love is an experience. Sometimes it lasts a lifetime. At other times it fades. Love serves as a learning experience. Some of the lessons are pleasureable, while others will put you through the worst pain imaginable.
Perhaps, love is not something to aspire toward.
Perhaps, love is something to appreciate in its moments and its absence.
I can't remember why I was feeling that way. Maybe it was because I sincerely wasn't lonely at that time. Or maybe it was because I was in utter denial. Whatever the case, I'm feeling it tonight, and I just can't ignore it any longer.
I thought that I was beginning to come into my own, and appreciate myself, enjoying time with just me. It's a goal that I've been striving toward for some time now, and it's a little disappointing that I'm coming up short.
I'm not quite sure what it is, but I have this desire to be needed. I have no idea where it comes from because I am needed. I can think of several people off the top of my head at this very moment who would love to have my company or support at this moment, but I'm not sure what it is... maybe it's not the desire to be needed. Maybe I want to be loved.
For so long, I've been in love with the idea of being in love. It's silly. I know that there are upsides and downsides to that world, just like anything else. I know that my value does not increase if someone else believes they love me. I know that love is not a task to accomplish or some new stage of life that transforms me into some new, unbroken person.
And although I know all of these things, it seems that I can't get over the dream of wanting all this to be. To love is an experience. Sometimes it lasts a lifetime. At other times it fades. Love serves as a learning experience. Some of the lessons are pleasureable, while others will put you through the worst pain imaginable.
Perhaps, love is not something to aspire toward.
Perhaps, love is something to appreciate in its moments and its absence.
31-35, F
