I Am Somehow a Hikikomori
I first learned about Hikikomori when I watched Welcome to the NHK way back in 2006. It resonated with me more than any work of fiction I have seen before, after, or since. At that point in my life, I had dropped out of college, given up looking for a job, and was literally living in my parents' basement playing Runescape and watching anime all day. Just counting down the days until I could move in with my online boyfriend and get away from my father.
I moved across the country to be with him. He supported me and I barely left the house. I am not proud of who I was in that time of my life. I withdrew completely. I hardly socialized even online. I didn't call my family nearly as much as I should have. I disconnected from most of my support network.
I was not happy.
I didn't grow as a person for close to 11 years.
I was in a relationship where I wasn't happy. I was comparing myself to his success while I had nothing. The inequality made for some unhealthy dynamics between us. I was afraid to be myself. I was a shell of a person.
There was some personal stuff going on that I don't really want to elaborate on here. But ultimately, I had to make a change in my life. I left the relationship. Moved back in with my parents. Got a job and moved out on my own.
Even though I work a full time job where I am constantly interacting with people, even though I support myself and get out regularly, I still consider myself a recovering hikikomori.
I still have days when I dread the thought of going outside or talking to another person. The anxiety doesn't go away. It lessens, but it comes back in waves. Sometimes I think I should seek out medication to help, other times I go months without it being an issue. Regular exercise, a consistent sleep schedule, and healthy eating help immensely. And constant exposure to the things I fear most remind me that it's not so bad.
But occasionally, usually in the winter, life feels like too much, and I just want to hole up and shut everyone and everything out.
Even though I have reintegrated into society, I feel that my time as a hikikomori will always be a part of my identity.
I moved across the country to be with him. He supported me and I barely left the house. I am not proud of who I was in that time of my life. I withdrew completely. I hardly socialized even online. I didn't call my family nearly as much as I should have. I disconnected from most of my support network.
I was not happy.
I didn't grow as a person for close to 11 years.
I was in a relationship where I wasn't happy. I was comparing myself to his success while I had nothing. The inequality made for some unhealthy dynamics between us. I was afraid to be myself. I was a shell of a person.
There was some personal stuff going on that I don't really want to elaborate on here. But ultimately, I had to make a change in my life. I left the relationship. Moved back in with my parents. Got a job and moved out on my own.
Even though I work a full time job where I am constantly interacting with people, even though I support myself and get out regularly, I still consider myself a recovering hikikomori.
I still have days when I dread the thought of going outside or talking to another person. The anxiety doesn't go away. It lessens, but it comes back in waves. Sometimes I think I should seek out medication to help, other times I go months without it being an issue. Regular exercise, a consistent sleep schedule, and healthy eating help immensely. And constant exposure to the things I fear most remind me that it's not so bad.
But occasionally, usually in the winter, life feels like too much, and I just want to hole up and shut everyone and everything out.
Even though I have reintegrated into society, I feel that my time as a hikikomori will always be a part of my identity.
