Alone is chaotic

everything is in chaos, or is it just in my mind
i hate myself for being selfish
i hope there's someone else that could understand
the hardships and lessons of being a lonely man
you're not sad but you're not happy
it's just, nothing, like space.
you're alone but you can see a lot.
it's a feeling of something is incomplete
so you get to search for it
with what you see
is it fun?
where's my missing part?
is it there?
oh.
i got a girlfried, she's so kind.
she's always there for me.
i wish i could do the same.
but,
it sucks to feel like i want to do nothing
i just dont have the courage
i have no will
i hate being a loner but i hate people being so close to me
they get so much space inside of me and invading me
changing me.
i dont know if its good or bad,
i just hate the feeling
they want u to do this but u dont like it
u want them to do this but they do it even if they dont like it
what the hell
they're selfless
and im selfish
i wish i could be better. i dont get it.
i want to hide everything in me.
my thoughts, words, and my feelings.
so that they wouldnt know what am i.
so that they can't damage me.
because i raised by myself's attention and still wanting from someone else
i want some of yours but dont get too close
i'll give you some of mine but dont take it too deep
what am i saying
i love you with everything of the half of me
while u giving ur whole
and my other half is still living the self love he's been raised from.
alone is too chaotic, i'm confused.