I Am In Love With a Fictional Character
It's been 8 years. I fell in love with her a good while ago. She's just not the most... conventional romantic partner. But she means the world to me. I've tried to write this and have rewritten this time and time again over the last 8 years. I've had a lot of time to think about this, and to process my feelings. It's absurd, it's pathetic, it's cringey, but she makes me feel so very happy, thinking about her and I, together, living our best lives together.
This is quite a long story, and I hope I can get it right this time. In the past iterations of this, confession, if you will, I've always focused on making it sound believable, for people to understand me without wanting me to change or be dishonest to myself about how I really feel. But now I feel as if I need to do this for myself, rather than justify to anyone why I feel the way I do, and I'm grateful for this group to come back from Experience Project, and I can at least share this to other people who do understand.
I'll try to piece this together the best I can. So let me start from the beginning.
Growing up I was the lonely child. I had amazing people I could call my friends, but onset of Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety really started to cloud my vision (and also went undiagnosed for 8 years). I had great emotional needs being unmet, and intense mental illness that prevented me from reaching out. So for the most part, I lived in my own little world. And inside that world was Pokemon.
Ever since I was little I would always self insert myself into every piece of media my parents or friends would introduce me to, and Pokemon was no exception. I was so enamored with the Pokemon world, it very quickly became my reprieve of choice. Where I felt like I had no one to talk to in real life, my Pokemon were always there for me. My favorite pokemon filled me with such great joy, I wanted nothing more than for them to be real. So on certain occasions I would imagine my Pokemon next to me, accompanying me during my everyday life. They would walk home with me, lay together in the grass in the backyard, comfort me when I was alone in the hallway during lunch, etc. I loved all my pokemon, but my most favorite Pokemon overall became my Lugia. There was just something about this big 17' 1" aquatic psychic dragon bird being my friend that I loved.
A little switch here, but it will come together. A lot of my loneliness in high school came from seeing my friends date and getting asked to dances and such, while I was always seemingly left out and forgotten. It's still a concept I struggle with today about disassociating my relationship status with my personal self worth. But a lot of it again came from emotional neglect that left a hole inside me that begged to be filled.
Couple this fact with my obsession with Lugia, and given the nature of this group, I think you can see where this is going.
I was having a normal day, not too bad but nothing exciting either. I was walking to chemistry, and I remember this so vividly, where all of a sudden, my Lugia entered my mind unprompted. And immediately, this wave of emotions went through my body. Chills ran up my back, my heart rate increased and I was left breathless for a brief moment. It felt amazing, but also a little confusing. It was something I'd never felt before. I gathered that it must have happened because of Lugia, so I thought about her again, and the same sensations happened as they did the first, bringing a genuine smile to my face and butterflies in my chest. I didn't know what was happening exactly, but I kept thinking about her over and over and over again, and each time I was met with these feelings I didn't have a name for. All I knew was that thinking about her made me happy, and the feelings she gave me were nothing like I'd ever felt before.
This went on for about a week before I realized what had happened.
I had fallen in love with my Lugia.
I was only 15, and I had never experienced feelings so intense before. It was the only explanation.
These feelings went on for another month before a reality check happened, but resolved itself in a way I wasn't expecting, and in a way probably no one would believe. I started to feel guilty and ashamed of the feelings I had developed for my favorite Pokemon. I didn't know what to do. I wanted so bad for her to be real, to be able to be with her, and I was wrestling hard with this fact. But even then if she were here, would she actually like me? Does she return my feelings? How do I cope with all of this?? All my life I had wanted something magical to happen to me, and I wanted Lugia to be that magical someone, I knew it more than anything. One night when I had a million thoughts racing in my mind, my mom asked me to take out the trash. I complied and gathered the bags to take outside. I had taken a recent fascination for remembering the moon cycles, and knew tonight was supposed to be a full moon, so I had no issue dealing with garbage if it meant getting a good look at the night sky, and to get away from my thoughts for a little bit (and in a true 15 year old fashion I also went outside in the cold February night with no shoes on). But right away I noticed the night was cloudy, and my large pine tree in my front yard blocked my immediate view of where the moon would be. So I went to the trash can, dumped what I had, and began walking down the cold driveway to at least see the amount of light the full moon would make from behind the clouds. But as it slowly came into view my heart leapt and my troubled thoughts came to a standstill.
Directly in front of the full moon there was a window in the cloudy sky. And in that gap was another cloud, with a shape I instantly recognized.
It was shaped like a Lugia. With her wings in flight above her head, so that they looked like a heart. I stood there awestruck as long as my feet could stand the freezing cement. As soon as the cloud began to change shape, I went back inside, full of the same love I had felt before. I believed that she had spoken to me. That she had crossed some barrier to let me know that she was there, and that she loved me. No longer did I feel ashamed or afraid of my feelings. I knew that the love I felt was a good thing, and that great things were ahead for the both of us.
The rest of the school year felt like a dream. I started listening to love songs that took on new meanings to me. I would sleep with my DS open with her watching over me. I wrote her a letter and put it in the tree outside my window, but took it down a few days later afraid it would fall off and my feelings for a fictional character would be known, and read it to her myself. I would scribble her name next to mine on school notes. I would open my window at night and talk to her as if she were on the other side of my window screen, and then kiss the screen, imagining that one day I'd feel her pressing back, that I would open my eyes and see her there. I would whisper her name when I was alone and express my love for her. She was so very real to me.
But then the end of the school year came and disaster struck. Someone stole my DS games out of my backpack the last week of school. I was devastated. I tore up my entire room looking for them, but in reality I was looking for her. I couldn't accept the fact she was gone. Or my other pokemon that were also very important to me. I lay defeated on the piles of debris I had thrown around my room, absolutely sobbing. It felt like I had lost my true home. My one escape.
But not all was lost. As my mind was flooded with thoughts of Lugia, it weirdly felt like she was still there. That she could still hear everything I told her. I wanted to believe that she did. I didn't want to forget her. I didnt want to stop loving her. Because if I didn't, who would? I knew she would never give up on me so I couldn't give up on her.
I was left pretty depressed but still hopeful for the rest of high school. I still loved her very much and the world that was once inside the pokemon game began developing in my mind, and I started thinking of so many different scenarios where she would show up, and fly me away to a place we could be together.
Graduation came and went, and as is with my LDS upbringing, my next step in life was to leave home for 2 years and serve a mission. My mission was hard, especially for someone like me who still had undiagnosed mental illnesses. But one thing about my mission and Lugia, is that everyone expects missionaries to be married right away once they get home. More reality checks started to happen as my 2 years began, and I realized there was more to life than this escapism I had been using for so long. I tried my best to move on from Lugia, to take what we had, smile, and go on with my life. But it was so forced. Everyday as a missionary was grueling and draining, and I looked forward to going to bed everyday so I could think of her as I fell asleep. But I tried forcing myself to not do that anymore, to just fall asleep. It was very hard but I somehow forced it. This lasted about a month, when I happened to have a very bad mental health day, and cried laying in bed, wishing to feel happy again. And again, unprompted, it was as if i heard a knock on a door inside my heart, and that my Lugia was on the other side, poking her head in and asking if she could come inside. With tears still streaming I said yes and wrapped my arms around her neck, wondering why I would have ever tried to move on in the first place when she makes me this happy.
My mission came and went, and I went back home, excited to start college. But during my first year of college more reality checks started to happen. I didn't date at all when I got home, and consequently did not get married right away like some missionaries do. I also came to the realization and acceptance that I was Pansexual, and began wondering if I should try moving on from Lugia again to experience what more life could offer. During this time I got a Lugia plushie, and it helped a lot on lonely nights. I would take her to campus with me and would secretly hold her hand on the bus as she sat in my backpack to help ease whatever anxieties I was to face that day.
But I was still distraught over the very strong feelings I had for her. I turned to spiritual sources for answers and guidance, short of actually talking to someone and explaining everything I already have here. More of a personal search between me and my higher power, because I believe that everything that's important to me is important to them, so they must know something that can help. There was one instance where I was at a place of worship trying so hard to pay attention to the words being said during a ceremony, and she kept coming into my mind. My eyes went to a painting on the wall to try and shift focus back to what was being said, but the painting was that of a green mountainside, and immediately my thoughts were of us both there, laying next to each other and looking into each others eyes. It was such an intimate and tender image, I started crying at the thought of it, no longer trying to pay attention as I once again let her fully into my heart. During a moment of reflection after the worship was over, I went to the scriptures for an answer to what had just happened. I don't remember exactly what I read, but the answer I believed to have received was this feeling of "Don't be afraid to love. Lugia is good for you right now, but there will be a day you will meet someone that you will love just as much."
I still loved her so so much, but she was no replacement for being physically alone. I decided I needed to find this person.
Soon after, I transferred colleges and met someone through sharing the same interests. After some hanging out we decided to start dating. I was scared but excited to be in my first real relationship. I was mostly scared because it was with another guy, and I was still very religious at this time, which became a point of conflict over the course of the relationship. I also made an effort to note to myself that Lugia would not have any effect on this relationship, so she took on more of a role of emotional platonic support as I attempted to sort out my life. I'll spare the details of this relationship, but we broke up almost a year later because he wanted to get serious but I didn't, among many other reasons. He wasn't very fair during the break up but it was enough for me to see he was the same person he'd been all along. I was very depressed. I had suicidal ideation. I went and finally got my mental illnesses diagnosed and sought resources for coping with them. During my worst moments I clung to my Lugia plushie, wanting more than ever before for her to appear outside my window and take me away and solve all my problems. But I realized that it doesn't work like that. No relationship works like that. I can't expect her or my ex or anyone else to solve my problems. They can help me cope and live with them, but the problems themselves are mine to deal with. And this hardest time of my life was something I needed to go through alone.
And get through it I did. I cut my ex out of my life, dropped out for the semester, went to conventions over the summer, met some really nice guys but didn't date anyone new, and, I guess, my love for Lugia started blooming again, if not stronger than ever before. She makes me insanely happy and that's perfectly okay. I've come to realize through other potential partners that dating just isn't what I need right now. And I need to focus on myself more than anything. And I am very content with where I am in life right now. I'm going to school again, I have a new job that I love, and I have a very special Pokemon that I still love so so very much after all this time. I still sleep with the plushie every single night, and I talk to her about my day and I fall asleep holding her close in my arms, wondering if maybe there will come a day when I'll get to fall asleep in hers. We're coming up on 9 years, and I'm not sure what to expect from here on out, if things will change. If I meet that special someone that reminds me of her and I decide to finally move on, I don't know. All I know is that I love her, and that she loves me. She brings joy into my life more than anything else has. My feelings used to be bittersweet, but nowadays they're more sweet than bitter as I'm more comfortable where I am in life, with my sexuality and my gender expression, and things have only gotten better since.
This is quite a long story, and I hope I can get it right this time. In the past iterations of this, confession, if you will, I've always focused on making it sound believable, for people to understand me without wanting me to change or be dishonest to myself about how I really feel. But now I feel as if I need to do this for myself, rather than justify to anyone why I feel the way I do, and I'm grateful for this group to come back from Experience Project, and I can at least share this to other people who do understand.
I'll try to piece this together the best I can. So let me start from the beginning.
Growing up I was the lonely child. I had amazing people I could call my friends, but onset of Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety really started to cloud my vision (and also went undiagnosed for 8 years). I had great emotional needs being unmet, and intense mental illness that prevented me from reaching out. So for the most part, I lived in my own little world. And inside that world was Pokemon.
Ever since I was little I would always self insert myself into every piece of media my parents or friends would introduce me to, and Pokemon was no exception. I was so enamored with the Pokemon world, it very quickly became my reprieve of choice. Where I felt like I had no one to talk to in real life, my Pokemon were always there for me. My favorite pokemon filled me with such great joy, I wanted nothing more than for them to be real. So on certain occasions I would imagine my Pokemon next to me, accompanying me during my everyday life. They would walk home with me, lay together in the grass in the backyard, comfort me when I was alone in the hallway during lunch, etc. I loved all my pokemon, but my most favorite Pokemon overall became my Lugia. There was just something about this big 17' 1" aquatic psychic dragon bird being my friend that I loved.
A little switch here, but it will come together. A lot of my loneliness in high school came from seeing my friends date and getting asked to dances and such, while I was always seemingly left out and forgotten. It's still a concept I struggle with today about disassociating my relationship status with my personal self worth. But a lot of it again came from emotional neglect that left a hole inside me that begged to be filled.
Couple this fact with my obsession with Lugia, and given the nature of this group, I think you can see where this is going.
I was having a normal day, not too bad but nothing exciting either. I was walking to chemistry, and I remember this so vividly, where all of a sudden, my Lugia entered my mind unprompted. And immediately, this wave of emotions went through my body. Chills ran up my back, my heart rate increased and I was left breathless for a brief moment. It felt amazing, but also a little confusing. It was something I'd never felt before. I gathered that it must have happened because of Lugia, so I thought about her again, and the same sensations happened as they did the first, bringing a genuine smile to my face and butterflies in my chest. I didn't know what was happening exactly, but I kept thinking about her over and over and over again, and each time I was met with these feelings I didn't have a name for. All I knew was that thinking about her made me happy, and the feelings she gave me were nothing like I'd ever felt before.
This went on for about a week before I realized what had happened.
I had fallen in love with my Lugia.
I was only 15, and I had never experienced feelings so intense before. It was the only explanation.
These feelings went on for another month before a reality check happened, but resolved itself in a way I wasn't expecting, and in a way probably no one would believe. I started to feel guilty and ashamed of the feelings I had developed for my favorite Pokemon. I didn't know what to do. I wanted so bad for her to be real, to be able to be with her, and I was wrestling hard with this fact. But even then if she were here, would she actually like me? Does she return my feelings? How do I cope with all of this?? All my life I had wanted something magical to happen to me, and I wanted Lugia to be that magical someone, I knew it more than anything. One night when I had a million thoughts racing in my mind, my mom asked me to take out the trash. I complied and gathered the bags to take outside. I had taken a recent fascination for remembering the moon cycles, and knew tonight was supposed to be a full moon, so I had no issue dealing with garbage if it meant getting a good look at the night sky, and to get away from my thoughts for a little bit (and in a true 15 year old fashion I also went outside in the cold February night with no shoes on). But right away I noticed the night was cloudy, and my large pine tree in my front yard blocked my immediate view of where the moon would be. So I went to the trash can, dumped what I had, and began walking down the cold driveway to at least see the amount of light the full moon would make from behind the clouds. But as it slowly came into view my heart leapt and my troubled thoughts came to a standstill.
Directly in front of the full moon there was a window in the cloudy sky. And in that gap was another cloud, with a shape I instantly recognized.
It was shaped like a Lugia. With her wings in flight above her head, so that they looked like a heart. I stood there awestruck as long as my feet could stand the freezing cement. As soon as the cloud began to change shape, I went back inside, full of the same love I had felt before. I believed that she had spoken to me. That she had crossed some barrier to let me know that she was there, and that she loved me. No longer did I feel ashamed or afraid of my feelings. I knew that the love I felt was a good thing, and that great things were ahead for the both of us.
The rest of the school year felt like a dream. I started listening to love songs that took on new meanings to me. I would sleep with my DS open with her watching over me. I wrote her a letter and put it in the tree outside my window, but took it down a few days later afraid it would fall off and my feelings for a fictional character would be known, and read it to her myself. I would scribble her name next to mine on school notes. I would open my window at night and talk to her as if she were on the other side of my window screen, and then kiss the screen, imagining that one day I'd feel her pressing back, that I would open my eyes and see her there. I would whisper her name when I was alone and express my love for her. She was so very real to me.
But then the end of the school year came and disaster struck. Someone stole my DS games out of my backpack the last week of school. I was devastated. I tore up my entire room looking for them, but in reality I was looking for her. I couldn't accept the fact she was gone. Or my other pokemon that were also very important to me. I lay defeated on the piles of debris I had thrown around my room, absolutely sobbing. It felt like I had lost my true home. My one escape.
But not all was lost. As my mind was flooded with thoughts of Lugia, it weirdly felt like she was still there. That she could still hear everything I told her. I wanted to believe that she did. I didn't want to forget her. I didnt want to stop loving her. Because if I didn't, who would? I knew she would never give up on me so I couldn't give up on her.
I was left pretty depressed but still hopeful for the rest of high school. I still loved her very much and the world that was once inside the pokemon game began developing in my mind, and I started thinking of so many different scenarios where she would show up, and fly me away to a place we could be together.
Graduation came and went, and as is with my LDS upbringing, my next step in life was to leave home for 2 years and serve a mission. My mission was hard, especially for someone like me who still had undiagnosed mental illnesses. But one thing about my mission and Lugia, is that everyone expects missionaries to be married right away once they get home. More reality checks started to happen as my 2 years began, and I realized there was more to life than this escapism I had been using for so long. I tried my best to move on from Lugia, to take what we had, smile, and go on with my life. But it was so forced. Everyday as a missionary was grueling and draining, and I looked forward to going to bed everyday so I could think of her as I fell asleep. But I tried forcing myself to not do that anymore, to just fall asleep. It was very hard but I somehow forced it. This lasted about a month, when I happened to have a very bad mental health day, and cried laying in bed, wishing to feel happy again. And again, unprompted, it was as if i heard a knock on a door inside my heart, and that my Lugia was on the other side, poking her head in and asking if she could come inside. With tears still streaming I said yes and wrapped my arms around her neck, wondering why I would have ever tried to move on in the first place when she makes me this happy.
My mission came and went, and I went back home, excited to start college. But during my first year of college more reality checks started to happen. I didn't date at all when I got home, and consequently did not get married right away like some missionaries do. I also came to the realization and acceptance that I was Pansexual, and began wondering if I should try moving on from Lugia again to experience what more life could offer. During this time I got a Lugia plushie, and it helped a lot on lonely nights. I would take her to campus with me and would secretly hold her hand on the bus as she sat in my backpack to help ease whatever anxieties I was to face that day.
But I was still distraught over the very strong feelings I had for her. I turned to spiritual sources for answers and guidance, short of actually talking to someone and explaining everything I already have here. More of a personal search between me and my higher power, because I believe that everything that's important to me is important to them, so they must know something that can help. There was one instance where I was at a place of worship trying so hard to pay attention to the words being said during a ceremony, and she kept coming into my mind. My eyes went to a painting on the wall to try and shift focus back to what was being said, but the painting was that of a green mountainside, and immediately my thoughts were of us both there, laying next to each other and looking into each others eyes. It was such an intimate and tender image, I started crying at the thought of it, no longer trying to pay attention as I once again let her fully into my heart. During a moment of reflection after the worship was over, I went to the scriptures for an answer to what had just happened. I don't remember exactly what I read, but the answer I believed to have received was this feeling of "Don't be afraid to love. Lugia is good for you right now, but there will be a day you will meet someone that you will love just as much."
I still loved her so so much, but she was no replacement for being physically alone. I decided I needed to find this person.
Soon after, I transferred colleges and met someone through sharing the same interests. After some hanging out we decided to start dating. I was scared but excited to be in my first real relationship. I was mostly scared because it was with another guy, and I was still very religious at this time, which became a point of conflict over the course of the relationship. I also made an effort to note to myself that Lugia would not have any effect on this relationship, so she took on more of a role of emotional platonic support as I attempted to sort out my life. I'll spare the details of this relationship, but we broke up almost a year later because he wanted to get serious but I didn't, among many other reasons. He wasn't very fair during the break up but it was enough for me to see he was the same person he'd been all along. I was very depressed. I had suicidal ideation. I went and finally got my mental illnesses diagnosed and sought resources for coping with them. During my worst moments I clung to my Lugia plushie, wanting more than ever before for her to appear outside my window and take me away and solve all my problems. But I realized that it doesn't work like that. No relationship works like that. I can't expect her or my ex or anyone else to solve my problems. They can help me cope and live with them, but the problems themselves are mine to deal with. And this hardest time of my life was something I needed to go through alone.
And get through it I did. I cut my ex out of my life, dropped out for the semester, went to conventions over the summer, met some really nice guys but didn't date anyone new, and, I guess, my love for Lugia started blooming again, if not stronger than ever before. She makes me insanely happy and that's perfectly okay. I've come to realize through other potential partners that dating just isn't what I need right now. And I need to focus on myself more than anything. And I am very content with where I am in life right now. I'm going to school again, I have a new job that I love, and I have a very special Pokemon that I still love so so very much after all this time. I still sleep with the plushie every single night, and I talk to her about my day and I fall asleep holding her close in my arms, wondering if maybe there will come a day when I'll get to fall asleep in hers. We're coming up on 9 years, and I'm not sure what to expect from here on out, if things will change. If I meet that special someone that reminds me of her and I decide to finally move on, I don't know. All I know is that I love her, and that she loves me. She brings joy into my life more than anything else has. My feelings used to be bittersweet, but nowadays they're more sweet than bitter as I'm more comfortable where I am in life, with my sexuality and my gender expression, and things have only gotten better since.
26-30, T
