What is the best joke you said to someone?

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late great J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toybox?

She sat on Pinocchio's face, and said, "Lie to me, Baby!"

You don't need airbag in your car , your stomach is gonna do the trick

I call them on the phone and tell them I snuck into thier house from the kitchen and grabbed the biggest knife on my way upstairs. I went in thier room and I'm calling from the closet. Lol it's funny cuz they believe it and go up to check.
Then I cut'em for being so stupid..
Lmao

A Polish guy walks into a bar with a big handful of dog shit and says.." hey everyone look what
I almost just stepped in !"

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are around $1.29 a bag and deer nuts are under a Buck.

"She's a lovely person"