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I Had An Affair

I had an affair a year ago. I came clean and told my husband. I left my job, broke contact with my friends (who were also friends with the OM), I handed over control of email accounts, bank accounts, closed all social media, phone never locked - transparent about everything. I never go anywhere without him knowing where I am and if he goes away on business I virtually don't leave the house so he can call the home phone and know that I am there. I am allowed no male friends ever again which I'm currently living with. I've tried everything I can to 'fix' my husband's pain and hate myself for what I've put him through. We're finally coming out on the other side and becoming 'normal' again and for the first time I'm allowing myself to worry about how I feel....and I'm so lost. I do love him but I'm not happy. I think about the other guy and wonder if I made a mistake. Nothing in life makes me happy. I feel like I'm just existing.
It is a hard lesson to learn. But how can you "live" in this manner? It is unhealthy. Can he not forgive you? I don't know you nor him. But trust is a difficult bridge. Normal? You are in anguish. Do you really love your husband? I wonder if you wish to be with the other man. You are barely existing and why? I don't understand why you gave up all your control, all yourself after the affair to your husband. Have you been counselled? Is your husband happy now, trusting you now? So many questions. Why did you have an affair? It is often because of unhappiness. You may wish to have a long discussion with your husband. The state of your marriage. I am very concerned. You should be happy and only you know what that is and how to get there.
booboo · M
I agree with Poetry and NBTLOL..
@booboo: Boo, you are finally back? *hugssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss*
People don't have an affair just because.
Coming clean and living out the consequences, doesn't address the root cause of the affair.
Whatever that was.. is still there, if it hasn't been addressed.

While living under the microscope, has your husband asked or addressed why you had the affair in the first place? Is he willing to delve into that and try to fix it, or just punish you for your transgression?
@tolerantmongoose: She can be as transparent as possible.. it still doesn't address why , and like it or not.. he is part of that reason. so to fix things, that needs to be addressed.

Being transparent, in a marriage that otherwise does not change.. just makes you feel like you are living with a warden. Not someone willing to work together, to make things better.

I had one after 7 years of zero intimacy, with a H who didn't think it was important. But it was killing me slowly. Had he been interested in addressing his part in the rocky and failed relationship, that would have helped, and he would not now be an exH.
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@tolerantmongoose: Well cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum (especially for women), and if the reasons are not addressed from both sides of the issue, you're right it will happen again.

It took me exactly 6 weeks to end my dead marriage, after feeling alive for the first time in many years. You don't know the lengths I went to, to try and fix things long before I gave up, and resentment set in, there was no going back at that point.
That's so heartbreaking. I never recommend coming clean. Ignorance is truly bliss as far as I'm concerned. Nobody can live with all those stipulations and be happy. I hope you make it through this; to truly move forward your husband has to forgive you completely, if he can't, it probably won't work. I'm sorry you're going through this. No matter what happens, you'll be ok. xoxo
PTCdresser57 · 61-69, M
You are correct...she would probably been better off not saying anything after breaking it off.
@PTCdresser57: I know. :( but what's done is done, doesn't mean it can't be worked out. That fact that they are still together says to me that he wants to be there, and she is sticking it out as well. They just need to find a better way. She can't be punished forever. And nor should she be.
PTCdresser57 · 61-69, M
Agree whole heartedly with you.
everythingisvanilla · 36-40, F
Thanks for the replies folks. I agreed to all of the rules because ultimately I have never seen another human being so broken and I would have done anything to make it better for him. He says he will never forgive me but is trying to learn to live with it. I completely agree with telling him was a mistake - it was actually a selfish thing to do....I thought I was doing the right thing in letting him have a choice if he wanted to be with me or not. As for why I did it, well, no easy answer. Someone came along and made me feel special and I got wrapped up in it. It's the toss up between "I deserve to be happy" vs. "I made a vow and should stick to it" - it's very easy to find reasons to justify poor actions. I betrayed my best friend. I won't do it again. Just trying to work out if living with my best friend in a prison is better than living without them on my own.
firefall · 61-69, M
Do you feel the underlying cause for the affair has been resolved/removed?
Have you considered therapy? It's not for everyone, but it couldn't hurt..
firefall · 61-69, M
It sounds like your husband has been very controlling, and infantilised you in many ways. That must lead to a seriously distorted & unequal partnership.
I can understand her husband's pain, but this, THIS, is unwarranted.
Although you broke the trust you shared by having an affair, it does warrant to explore why you did it to begin with. You are unhappy in your marriage anyway so there must be something deeper than just sex itself and the excitement of someone else.
I can understand that hubby will take a while to trust you again but having no life of your own is not the answer. If you still feel attracted to the other man (or other men) or if hubby is not supportive and loving as he should be or if you don't have sex regularly or if hubby is not satisfying your sexual needs then the marriage is broken.
You need to be frank and honest about your issues to move forward otherwise both of you will be unhappy for a long time....
Too bad he's not the 'sharing' type who can find the positive of a wife that has more needs than he may be able to meet and allow her to satisfy those needs and still have a loving hubby.
Cheers!
Yeah thats too much. It happened and you're through it but the whole point of marriage was for you both to be happy. It's not a life to be living like that, so it needs to be 50/50.
What is he, your parent?.
SW-User
She fucked up that's her fault forgive her and move on
?
Omarion21 · M
Sometimes people love very deeply. When they feel betrayed by even the slightest of things they become broken and untrusting. But I think a year of virtually no contact is enough 'punishment'. You've got to get back to living again.
SW-User
If you love two ppl at once, choose the second. If you truly loved your first one, there wouldn't be another. -Johnny Depp
thearhyss · 36-40, F
Some things.. can't be undone... but time heals all wounds..
booboo · M
yes, but there will always be a scar to be reminded of that time...always!!
thearhyss · 36-40, F
I know.. been there.. done that.
booboo · M
@thearhyss: me too
Ynotisay · M
You're "allowed no male friends every again?"
Sounds like a really healthy relationship. And I'm sure your husband loves having an unhappy wife.
Cheating is fucked up. Can people move past it? Sure. Is it always worth fixing? Of course not.
Life's short. Marriage is a business contract. Not a death sentence.
booboo · M
@Ynotisay: at my age, it's not that easy, but thanks for sharing
Ynotisay · M
@booboo: At 'your age?' Sorry man. Again, I don't get that. If anything, I'd think that at 'your age' you'd be chomping at the bit to live your life as you see fit. But I'm sure you've weighed the bad against the good. Life does demand some compromise at times. Good luck.
@booboo: This makes me sad for you booboo :(
DownTheStreet · 51-55, M
Tough situation; I understand why you reacted the way you did, but you can't pay forever. The key thing is - why did you have an affair? What are the unmet needs? Tough for him to hear those things but necessary
SW-User
Three words for you

YOU FUCKED UP
Don't be so judgemental.
everythingisvanilla · 36-40, F
clearly, but thanks for the helpful comment
I THINK she KNOWS that. Why criticize her when she already realizes her mistake?
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AnonymouslyMe · 36-40, F
Wow I feel like I can completely relate to this. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I have also cut contact completely with the other man but he is on my mind every single day, time isn't make it fade. I'm so close to contacting him but I know it's not a good idea.
everythingisvanilla · 36-40, F
I also think about him every day. He is like a shadow, always there, but there's no substance.

Many times I've had to take a moment and remind myself of the bleak reality that If I wasn't willing to leave my partner for him in the first place, then there really is no point keeping anything alive, not even the most innocent "how are you?" every now and again. It's completely unfair on hubby & not nice for the other guy.

I think for me, it's when I am most miserable or lonely that I think of him most. In a weird way he is the only one apart from me who saw both sides. He was a part of the 'happy' selfish part - and he saw the utter destruction after I came clean. He is the ideal person to talk to and also the one person I cannot talk to.

I suppose it's also easy to miss the excitement of being with someone 'new' but I think it's important to remember that whilst junk food feels good when you're eating it - it's not sustainable or healthy.

Sorry - I meant to reply and say something constructive. I've just realise I'm completely useless at giving advice!! 🤔
AnonymouslyMe · 36-40, F
@everythingisvanilla: This reply sounds even MORE like me! It's all so true... if I wasn't willing to leave my partner in the first place then I'm just being an ass by contacting him. He is the BEST person to talk to, but the only one I cannot, just like you. I feel like no one has ever understood me like he could. No one ever made me feel better as quick and easily as he could. My ultimate dream would be for the two men to get along and all three of us live happily ever after. Like I said, a dream.
AnonymouslyMe · 36-40, F
That sounds about right :/

I've ended things with the same guy 5-6 times and always run back. For the first time, I said out loud.. I should have stayed with him. So now, I'm trying to build a life and an exit strategy for myself. Fear is a bitch.
GJOFJ3 · 61-69, M
You can agree to all the conditions and willingly make all the concessions you want but that will not create love and trust There is no easy answer here I wish you luck.
G, don't you think this way of life is TOO severe? I do...
GJOFJ3 · 61-69, M
@PoetryNEmotion: yes and with no good results that I can see
newstu · 61-69, M
hang in there
newstu · 61-69, M
and move on...without him
Pretzel · 61-69, M
PICK A FRICKIN LANE vanilla - I'm not saying that to judgmental - I'm saying that like a loving uncle

make a choice

stick with it

and leave the rest of it for your fantasies
Simplicity · 61-69, F
Its one of those lines you don't cross,because it will never be the same,ever.No matter how hard you try,he will not ever feel the same either.
Sometimes it can be better after. I'm living proof. Thank god it's not the same! That way wasn't working. Granted an affair is not the best way to get to this conclusion but it certainly does make you think.
PTCdresser57 · 61-69, M
Give yourself a break. It happened ...you hurt you and your hubby and if you both want to stay married you and he will do what you have to.
We all have to make choices in life. Unfortunately, it's not always what we wanted or desire.
no1234 · 90-99, M
I know the feeling all too well. A little bit different circumstances but ya, I hope you are ok
DownTheStreet · 51-55, M
I am still occasionally haunted by memories of a mistress.
booboo · M
may I ask why you had the affair in the first place?
SW-User
Don't fuck up again
mathsman · 70-79, M
No easy way out or back
If you closed all social media how come you're here?
🤔
everythingisvanilla · 36-40, F
because I have no-one to talk to.

 
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