I Had An Affair
Where to start... This mess is just too much to even find the root of it.
It's about me and J.
There was this guy who I knew 5 years ago. Let's call him J.
I met him through a mutual friend during her birthday, I had a crush on him.
At that point of time, he had a girlfriend, so I didn't do anything about it.
Eventually, I was with my first boyfriend for 4 years, wasn't a fantastic relationship, was emotionally abused that I actually cheated with J. But that was a light flirtation-ship. I never thought he took me seriously as he was always taken one way or another. His boasts about being with other women make me take it as he was a playboy that I'll never be with.
During these 4 years, he randomly appears in my life, we always had that chemistry when we were together playing around like little kids. But I never seen him often.
Finally my second boyfriend, L came in and took me away from the dead relationship I had with my first. There was plenty of back and forth, but the more time I spent with him, I loved him dearly and even envisioned a future with him.
There were ups and downs but everything was fine.
J got married at 22 last December, and I was surprised that a playboy like him would actually settle down. I definitely wrote him off my list. In the first place, I never considered him as a life partner due to his on-and-off behaviour.
I suddenly heard from him on Social Media that he was moving to Canada as he wasn't allowed to hold dual-citizenship. (We live around South-East Asia) He chose to keep his Canadian Citizenship. Upon hearing that, I was a little upset to hear that he was going away permanently.
Then one fine day, he decided to confess his feelings to me, saying that he regretted pursuing something meaningful with me. He kissed me goodbye suddenly that I didn't know how to react. I was confused. If he said that he regrets, doesn't it mean he isn't happy in his marriage?
I was curious to know more, and somehow we ended up seeing each other and our attraction (or at least me to him) rekindles. I found out that his wife was from a broken family therefore her ways of affection tend to restrict his real self.
There was so much on and off drama as I wasn't assertive enough to know if I actually liked him. He would always pull some kind of do you love me guilt stunt, and I had trouble.
The problem is, I am indeed a little adamant when someone chooses to leave me out of their life. I'll try to win them back, even when my heart doesn't really want to. So it became some game of cat and mouse.
He ended leaving for Canada and coming back to my country again for 2 months just to see me. Since his wife, M was unable to get a job at Canada, she had to come back. He went to see me, but I didn't want to see him, so I'll tell him that I didn't want him around often. Distraught, he will withdraw from me, and at that one time, he decided to leave me for good. He went to tell M the whole truth about us.
M wanted to hear from me, as I was also an acquaintance or some sort of friend to her. So I had to meet up with her and we shared our experiences. I didn't want to lose contact with J, so we came up with a solution to go polygamous. (M was Bisexual)
It was a 3-way relationship, with an intention to bring J and M back together. J doesn't love M, but M loves J. I hoped that I can help them somehow and still be in contact with them. At that point of time, I was just fond of J and in my heart I wanted to help M with her Marriage.
J wasn't happy when M and I spent more time together / I tried pushing J and M together. He ended up withdrawing and ditching the 2 of us. Just more drama. But while I did spend time with J so much, I ended up falling for him as our personalities and mindset gels so well together. When I fell in love with him, I became selfish; I didn't want to share J with M.
I ended up having one hell of a roller-coaster ride and told J that I wanted to be with him; but I have already set up a holiday with my current boyfriend, L. He was unhappy to hear the truth, wanted to let me go. I was adamant because I loved him so I told the truth. But then I didn't want to hurt L as well, so I wanted to go to the trip.
But somehow during the trip, L noticed that J was texting me. He was suspicious as J deleted him off Facebook and L was upset about it previously. I ended up telling L the whole truth. It hurts him as he really loved me. I can't help to tell him that I still loved J. L wanted me to erase J from everywhere but I couldn't.
But eventually I knew the magnitude of my actions, I decided to promise L that I will grow the love I had for him, I didn't want him to leave me. I finally appreciated his love for me, I wanted to fix my wrong doings.
Because of that, I ended up erasing J from my life, and he was upset. He tried to contact my mother and M to get to me. But I didn't reply. In the end, J threatened to kill himself if I did not respond him.
I promised L not to contact J, but in this circumstances, I had to. M was distraught.
I ended up calling him and he was crying over the phone. But I knew that I didn't want to be wishy washy about what I promised to do this time. As he was unable to feel my love for him, he started coming up with ultimatums; if you leave L, I'll leave M.
You must leave L 100% if not I'll kill myself. Then here I am, stuck with this. I wanted to go back to loving L as it's a responsibility I want to uphold.
But my lack of assertiveness and unsure feelings has left me in this deep shit of turmoil. I'm unable to turn back and rewind my thoughtless actions. I deserved it after all, for being in such a mess.
I don't know what I want, that I'm even lying to myself.
It's about me and J.
There was this guy who I knew 5 years ago. Let's call him J.
I met him through a mutual friend during her birthday, I had a crush on him.
At that point of time, he had a girlfriend, so I didn't do anything about it.
Eventually, I was with my first boyfriend for 4 years, wasn't a fantastic relationship, was emotionally abused that I actually cheated with J. But that was a light flirtation-ship. I never thought he took me seriously as he was always taken one way or another. His boasts about being with other women make me take it as he was a playboy that I'll never be with.
During these 4 years, he randomly appears in my life, we always had that chemistry when we were together playing around like little kids. But I never seen him often.
Finally my second boyfriend, L came in and took me away from the dead relationship I had with my first. There was plenty of back and forth, but the more time I spent with him, I loved him dearly and even envisioned a future with him.
There were ups and downs but everything was fine.
J got married at 22 last December, and I was surprised that a playboy like him would actually settle down. I definitely wrote him off my list. In the first place, I never considered him as a life partner due to his on-and-off behaviour.
I suddenly heard from him on Social Media that he was moving to Canada as he wasn't allowed to hold dual-citizenship. (We live around South-East Asia) He chose to keep his Canadian Citizenship. Upon hearing that, I was a little upset to hear that he was going away permanently.
Then one fine day, he decided to confess his feelings to me, saying that he regretted pursuing something meaningful with me. He kissed me goodbye suddenly that I didn't know how to react. I was confused. If he said that he regrets, doesn't it mean he isn't happy in his marriage?
I was curious to know more, and somehow we ended up seeing each other and our attraction (or at least me to him) rekindles. I found out that his wife was from a broken family therefore her ways of affection tend to restrict his real self.
There was so much on and off drama as I wasn't assertive enough to know if I actually liked him. He would always pull some kind of do you love me guilt stunt, and I had trouble.
The problem is, I am indeed a little adamant when someone chooses to leave me out of their life. I'll try to win them back, even when my heart doesn't really want to. So it became some game of cat and mouse.
He ended leaving for Canada and coming back to my country again for 2 months just to see me. Since his wife, M was unable to get a job at Canada, she had to come back. He went to see me, but I didn't want to see him, so I'll tell him that I didn't want him around often. Distraught, he will withdraw from me, and at that one time, he decided to leave me for good. He went to tell M the whole truth about us.
M wanted to hear from me, as I was also an acquaintance or some sort of friend to her. So I had to meet up with her and we shared our experiences. I didn't want to lose contact with J, so we came up with a solution to go polygamous. (M was Bisexual)
It was a 3-way relationship, with an intention to bring J and M back together. J doesn't love M, but M loves J. I hoped that I can help them somehow and still be in contact with them. At that point of time, I was just fond of J and in my heart I wanted to help M with her Marriage.
J wasn't happy when M and I spent more time together / I tried pushing J and M together. He ended up withdrawing and ditching the 2 of us. Just more drama. But while I did spend time with J so much, I ended up falling for him as our personalities and mindset gels so well together. When I fell in love with him, I became selfish; I didn't want to share J with M.
I ended up having one hell of a roller-coaster ride and told J that I wanted to be with him; but I have already set up a holiday with my current boyfriend, L. He was unhappy to hear the truth, wanted to let me go. I was adamant because I loved him so I told the truth. But then I didn't want to hurt L as well, so I wanted to go to the trip.
But somehow during the trip, L noticed that J was texting me. He was suspicious as J deleted him off Facebook and L was upset about it previously. I ended up telling L the whole truth. It hurts him as he really loved me. I can't help to tell him that I still loved J. L wanted me to erase J from everywhere but I couldn't.
But eventually I knew the magnitude of my actions, I decided to promise L that I will grow the love I had for him, I didn't want him to leave me. I finally appreciated his love for me, I wanted to fix my wrong doings.
Because of that, I ended up erasing J from my life, and he was upset. He tried to contact my mother and M to get to me. But I didn't reply. In the end, J threatened to kill himself if I did not respond him.
I promised L not to contact J, but in this circumstances, I had to. M was distraught.
I ended up calling him and he was crying over the phone. But I knew that I didn't want to be wishy washy about what I promised to do this time. As he was unable to feel my love for him, he started coming up with ultimatums; if you leave L, I'll leave M.
You must leave L 100% if not I'll kill myself. Then here I am, stuck with this. I wanted to go back to loving L as it's a responsibility I want to uphold.
But my lack of assertiveness and unsure feelings has left me in this deep shit of turmoil. I'm unable to turn back and rewind my thoughtless actions. I deserved it after all, for being in such a mess.
I don't know what I want, that I'm even lying to myself.
