I Woke Up This Morning, That's Always A Good Start

Well I woke up at noon. Gf was acting upset and went back 2 bed. I'm cleaning her car.. cleaned the mats vacuumed one side.. need an extension cord for the rest and to be hinted on how to remove stains. Need hint for the carpets from her when she's up even tho it's a simple job. Then I'll do dishes and tidy up. I'm hoping we can work on art this evening or later in the night. I have been losing inspiration. It used to be that I pushed to the side many flowing ideas and inspiring details and thoughts. Now my mind is blank most of the time. I'm worried the meds I was forced to take by injection destroyed my art mind.. i am unmedicated now and waiting for my body to recycle and dispose of whatever is leftover. I am just a husk now who drags their knuckles thru simple tasks. I want to cut out smokes and coffee completely..very soon.. and only smoke weed like once a month hoping it'll kick in some linework I can work on without weed in the time between. That's the plan thanks for listening. But ya since I lost my ideas flowing I just tried to grab some forms from The Mind's Eye (1991) .. can't make them out yet. Colours will change and who cares cuz it contains no message which used to be very important to me.

My life feels like something I have to completely change myself to maintain. If i didn't love this girl more than anything I could possibly love.. id be picturing myself with someone more easy going. Just have a col jobs save whatever scrape by but be so happy just to have eachother and to work on our art. Not feeling stress and obligation towards a high standard future.. I am so grateful and I respect her love her dreams her art SO much. I just feel like I'm teetering on conditions I don't know if I can meet. And some other things that make me feel unwanted and unfulfilled. There are so many things in my life that could be causing certain problems. To the point that I can't keep track.

We were nailing boards to the top of a horse shelter the other day and I was unable to advise and prevent a mistake which caused another reminder that she can't depend on me for help. I am tired of feeling like a problem yet I'm getting used to knowing I am one. I'm kind of numb and haven't seen my family for over a year. Even they had no use for me when I was there. But I'm going to learn to drive I'm going to get a second job save money.. see if my neural pathways recharge.