One of the harder posts to write
The internet Is a rough place. You think things are going in one direction then things just change, people just change. They see something, or they hear something, or something happens in their real life, or God only knows what else, then they just slip away. Friends and lovers alike, doesn't matter which. You'll never know exactly why, you'll never get the chance to discuss the reason for it, just something is different in them now, and how it got to be that way will always be a mystery.
A few people.. friends I made here.. seem to be slipping away. Still I miss them. I understand, I've been where they are, I get the feeling that washes over you, and you lose the motivation to keep up with someone, keep things feeling like it's worth your time and your energy, keep wanting to be vulnerable and open to them. It's not that anyone is angry or blames anyone else, something just seemed to suddely break. For the most part I just wish I didn't let my own mind go a little too wild. Thinking maybe things will be different *this time*.
Maybe I am acting different.. maybe I wasn't reading them right to begin with.. maybe my own dark mind has gotten the better of me once more. Maybe I used this site to vent a little too much anger and sadness, shared a little too much after one too many drinks, was to hyperbolic with my ranting, who knows. But I really was enjoying getting to know them, learning about them, it felt really good, normal, healthy. And like had I been in my other profile it never would have happened. In short, I truly was beginning to care for them.
I came to this profile to escape my old one. The one that most knew me as.. when the walls started to close in around me. When it started feeling more like a torture chamber than a outlet of emotional expression. I needed to process so much hurt and pain I wasn't able to with all my long time friends watching. So I am grateful I had that opportunity to open up from a greater place of anonymity. But I never, ever, ever, expected to really bond with new people and make a few new friends. I didn't see that coming. I really am not sure why that should surprise me, but it did. I think no matter what I just always feel so very unlikable.
So, I guess I had this coming. I guess I did this too myself. But what's new? Me trying to help myself and ending up holding the wrong end of the tool and cutting myself instead, while in the process of trying to fix what I was responsible for breaking in the first place. Perfect. There is some karma for you.. served to me. I wanted to tell them everything, but I was afraid and I also thought maybe their was still time to do so, that there was no need to hurry.
This is all dragging on too long.. I just struggle to admit I get really attached to people. Really start caring for them.. hurt when they leave.. and I don't know how to tell them really. I don't want to lose these people but I'm scarred it's already too late.
A few people.. friends I made here.. seem to be slipping away. Still I miss them. I understand, I've been where they are, I get the feeling that washes over you, and you lose the motivation to keep up with someone, keep things feeling like it's worth your time and your energy, keep wanting to be vulnerable and open to them. It's not that anyone is angry or blames anyone else, something just seemed to suddely break. For the most part I just wish I didn't let my own mind go a little too wild. Thinking maybe things will be different *this time*.
Maybe I am acting different.. maybe I wasn't reading them right to begin with.. maybe my own dark mind has gotten the better of me once more. Maybe I used this site to vent a little too much anger and sadness, shared a little too much after one too many drinks, was to hyperbolic with my ranting, who knows. But I really was enjoying getting to know them, learning about them, it felt really good, normal, healthy. And like had I been in my other profile it never would have happened. In short, I truly was beginning to care for them.
I came to this profile to escape my old one. The one that most knew me as.. when the walls started to close in around me. When it started feeling more like a torture chamber than a outlet of emotional expression. I needed to process so much hurt and pain I wasn't able to with all my long time friends watching. So I am grateful I had that opportunity to open up from a greater place of anonymity. But I never, ever, ever, expected to really bond with new people and make a few new friends. I didn't see that coming. I really am not sure why that should surprise me, but it did. I think no matter what I just always feel so very unlikable.
So, I guess I had this coming. I guess I did this too myself. But what's new? Me trying to help myself and ending up holding the wrong end of the tool and cutting myself instead, while in the process of trying to fix what I was responsible for breaking in the first place. Perfect. There is some karma for you.. served to me. I wanted to tell them everything, but I was afraid and I also thought maybe their was still time to do so, that there was no need to hurry.
This is all dragging on too long.. I just struggle to admit I get really attached to people. Really start caring for them.. hurt when they leave.. and I don't know how to tell them really. I don't want to lose these people but I'm scarred it's already too late.
