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I'm An Open Book If You Care To Read Me

I really need to find a decent place to journal/blog anonymously. Eventually I’m going to deactivate this ID and stop using this site entirely. I suppose cherryxblossom is no longer needed. The only reason I’ve continued using it was because I’d hoped someone would eventually want to contact me. It’s been nearly 6 years now. They’re not going to contact me :P Time to let it go.

It’s kind of insane how long I can hold out hope for things. My optimism is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. It gets me through a lot...and allows me to see the sunny side of things as long as possible...but with that strong, pulsing flame of hope eventually comes the stabbing, burning ache of disappointment.

I’m in a weird place right now. It’s so forlorn to be in a position where I’m surrounded by people who want to love me and be supportive, yet they just have no capacity to understand or provide what I need. So I’ve been trying to just acknowledge their intent and not so much their actions or words.

You can’t really talk about infertility with people. Some get incredibly uncomfortable. Some brush it off like it’s nothing. Some get super bubbly and offer optimistic bs that even they have to realize is nonsense. I mean, you can drop a table spoon of water into the Grand Canyon every day and smile radiantly while you express how one of these days it has to fill up! Yeah! But uh, that drop of water is just going to continue evaporating before it even hits the bottom, or rushing away with the river below, or falling into a crevice where it gets absorbed into rocks or soil...its never going to fill the Grand Canyon. So you pushing them to keep dropping that tablespoon of water every day is just ridiculous. The worst part is, we fall into the unexplained category, so people assume there isnt even a problem! Both people function properly, it’ll happen! My fertility specialist said we have a 2-3% chance of getting pregnant though.

I have a little over 30 eggs left. So, that’s 30-ish tries left. I don’t know if I can endure another IUI. The last one caused me to release 2 eggs. So last month I lost two potential babies. What if the meds make me lose 6 the next time, which is a possibility. I’m terrified we’ll spend all that money and we’re just going to run out of eggs faster only to find ourselves with no eggs left and no chances left.

I think I’d be willing to try the IUI one more time. They say usually if a couple doesn’t have success after 3 IUI’s, it isn’t likely to happen at all. So perhaps I’d try one or two more times. Then I would like to consider the IVF. It’s $14,000 though...not including additional meds/shots or whatever else.

I’m at a place where I’m beginning to accept that I may never have children. Pregnancy is somethign I may never get to experience. So I’m considering worst case scenarios...because at some point you just have to accept reality and brace yourself. What is the worst that can happen? Can I survive that? How so? I need to talk to my honey about all of this, but I just haven’t had the energy to do so yet. It’s taken me a while to get to where I’m at, so I’m sure it will take him a while too.

At first, I never would’ve considered adoption. My sister is adopted and she’s a horrid mess. She turned out just like her biological mother....so genetics definitely play a part in personality. Especially when it comes to addiction. I’m beginning to warm up to the idea though. I’m not sure if it’s really what I want...and I’m afraid I could never really bond with a baby that isn’t my own. I mean, I ADORE my honey’s nieces, but I certainly don’t have THAT kind of bond with them. Perhaps the difference lies in the fact that the responsibility of their wellbeing lies solely on your shoulders. There is no one to come pick them up and take them home when they’ve been crying non-stop. They’re your responsibility 24/7. I guess that would make a difference. Perhaps I could consider adoption if I knew what sort of people the parents were.

My reasons for not adopting are pretty selfish as well if I’m going to be honest. For one, I always dreamed I’d be able to look down at my child and see myself and my love combined into something we created together. I have to say, my honey and I would make amazingly beautiful children. To look down and not be able to make any comparison of eyes, nose, hair, natural born personality traits....would be so sad.

Another thing...what if I just felt like I was playing pretend? A lot of the time I feel like I’m just playing pretend already. It’s gotten better since I stopped comparing my life to others’....but...I guess the fact that I’m not married but living like I’m married makes it all feel kind of...fake to me. I don’t guess I’d even fully realized that until now. We need to get married soon. Ironically, we were going to get married as soon as we got pregnant. That worked really well for us :P

A friend told me earlier everything in life happens for a reason. Honestly, it made me pretty mad at the moment. I mean, I’ve wanted nothing more in life than to be a mother...have my own little family....NATURALLY. I divorced my husband because he wouldn’t try to have children with me. I broke up with an amaaazing love because we wouldn’t have been able to have children naturally and I didn’t want to adopt. Every decision I’ve made toward my future has been one leading to children. So....what reason do I have for a future if there will be no children of my own? So I’m sort of trying to find a new reason to live. A purpose of some sort. Something to keep me going. I’m barely ‘going’ right now. I’m just existing. Day by day. Hoping. But...perhaps I am meant to adopt. And clearly, I’d NEVER have considered adoption if I hadn’t been forced into this situation I’m in now. I could really change a life though through adoption. But I don’t know....I’m not entirely there yet. Still just...processing...accepting...terrified :P

I have more I want to talk about, but I feel like I should start a separate post to keep topics organized. So I suppose that’s what I’ll do now. So then, onto another post...
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