I Am Fighting Suicidle Thoughts

So today i had my very first suicidal thought/attempt. I dont want to call it an attempt because it is not that much of an attempt... I usually walk from home to subway station to go to college, so today when i was walking back home, i wasnt walking on the pavement, i was literally walking right next to the passing cars. Then a bus just came through speeding off and even tho i saw that i should stop for a second to let it pass then keep walking, i just kept walking anyways... So the next thing i know, i was very few inches away from getting flattened by a transport bus, all that was on my mind was nothing but 100% determination to just get hit and get done with it.. It freaked me out to the point that i was actually thinking about posting it on EP to get it off my chest.. Im getting worse, way much worse.. I'm distancing myself even more now, feeling more unwanted, more trivial feelings getting bottled up, anger, pain and hurt.. Getting more lonely.. My birthday is couple of days away and i swear my so called "best friends" couldnt care any less.. I bully myself a lot and i swear i hate nothing more in life than me trash talking myself and making fun of my clothes, dreams, goals.. I literally bully myself but on the other side, i know it's true.. That's why it gets to me under my skin.. Because i am such a horrible person after all..