I Am In Recovery From Self Harm

Now is the time. The time for me to arise from the ashes of past negativity from my system, gather it all up in a ball, and spit it back to hell where that toxic shit came from. I let fear push me around, but no longer. Picture a tile floor with one crookedly set tile. Usually if the first one is not where it has been strategically and painstakingly precisely mean to be and stay, the rest of the tiles cannot make a smooth, beautiful pattern for the best result. An impressive mosaic disco ball of life collected all together, because that's the way I see it, and that's what I expect to make happen. So no one else's opinion of what they want, like, dislike, or no reaction at all won't concern me, since I am doing this by myself, and only for myself. I am creating a life that I can describe the best way I can learn how. Creating a life is misleading in the wrong context and the half ass listener.
I am life. I am living life. I have been obsessively suffering as as side effect of letting fear control me. Suffering in silence, misunderstanding that I was doing what I was trying not to do. And I caught myself doing it.
A therapist told me long ago that when I get a feeling, a trigger that will make me react physically in a knee jerk reaction, involuntary reflex that I would shrug off was signs of my body telling me what it needed.
The little engine that could finally made it to the top of the hill. The task was so simple, the hill was right there, but I had to be curious and research every other hill, fell down one, then got lost on my way home. xoxo

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soulsugar

All I can do is the best I can at what I know until I feel I have mastered it. xoxo Until I master something I'm curious about, or my curiosity satisfied to the point that I can trust it enough to walk away and on to the next challenge to be worked out. I'm a problem solver, not a people pleaser. I want to make things go right. Emotions aren't included when time and effort is a factor in quality work. Priority world class fine art in a museum rare and special personality is our potential, right? To be the best at what you love, striving for more things you love, while you're loving life along the way. Can you imagine what kind of emotional support and guidance that would require from our mother? Our father?
Priorities. Perspective. Knowledge is power. And I have lots to purge out. Right now I"m kinda acting like Ms. Gooch in Auntie Mame, one of my all time favorite best loved movies that melt me every time movies.
I'm going to stick to what I know is good in my life. I'm documenting it, and that's where my attention is finally. I'm turning fiddy soon, so I want to clear out the baggage like Elton John did back in the 90s. Make a clean sweep of fear and everything that went with it. And the other horse it came in on too for that matter.
I'm ready to be me for the right reasons. My idea of right is my business. Business for me to tend to and get done on a serious level. I have so many thoughts to follow through on. Ideas never came to fruition. I'm doing what My body is telling me to do. For real, my heart is in control of my emotions, my head is going to work to make sure that happens in the most beautiful and proudly represented way possible. This is for my family to remember me by. Mom strongly told me all my life to make the best impression, and take some effort to make yourself presentable. I'll just include comfortable and current on what I choose to wear. and get through that without stopping and leaving it unfinished. I make people feel that way and I'm going to change that behavior so it never happens again. xoxo

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