I Think About Death and Dying

Tonight i feel unusually compelled to reminisce about the time i had on EP. I remember i joined EP in Dec 2013 originally i only joined because i wanted to help people. I've lived with depression all my life and i know what its like to go through it alone so i wanted to be there for others who were suffering. And at first i was. I was able to help a few people even made a friend or two but now i look back on it and i am a completely different person. As much as i loved EP and even though it'll always have a special place in my heart i think now that it was bad for me in the long run. I was a depressed girl just trying to lighten the load for others and now I'm just a burnt out cynical misanthrope with nothing to show for my efforts. I sit here now not badly depressed at least not for me and I'm still thinking about suicide. I know this is gonna sound screwed up but i often romanticize suicide in my head. I am not currently suicidal although i have been many times before, but i feel like my life is going nowhere. I still have no doubts that I'll go out on my own terms eventually. That idea is almost comforting somehow. I just don't wanna without having something to leave behind. Sorry for rambling I'm just in a weird place right now i guess.