I Am Depressed

Another day in my life where I'm sitting alone filled with melancholy and self hate. I talked to my mom and made her cry which make me feel like an even more terrible person (she had no reason, I literally told her I didn't know what dates I would be free in the summer yet). I started talking with someone which brings me joy, but it's short lasting because I still end up hating myself and being sad when I'm alone (she keeps me distracted which is nice). But it also brings paranoia because I like her, but I always fear people don't like n back because that's how it typically is, I'm just annoying in all honesty, I can't take things seriously because the only emotion I can show is fake happiness. I put on this curtain in order to stop the world from seeing my true internal pain and despair