September 4 is near the day my oldest son died by suicide. I'm processing a lot of emotions. Severely depressed. I just want to be left alone but I have my 97 year old dad on hospice to care for. It seems his hearing has left him and he won't eat and moans worse than ever. Can't articulate anything wrong I have to surmise what his problem is. Right now it's very hard. Like when it happened last year I had no support. The one person I thought would help denied me. It broke my heart. My sister who I stayed with 5 months through cancer treatment would not come for a week to help me. I didn't talk to her after that till her daughter February 2 this year 34 died from an OD. She sobbed on the phone how sorry she was. I forgave her but I can't forget. Now she says she wants to be here for me when dad passes. I don't need her I stopped needing her. I love her but not like it was before. I doubt anyone will ever get that close to me ever again. I miss my son and I don't know what to do.
Any loss is difficult. Especially so when our loved ones are experiencing old age. And sadder when they leave us in their PRIME. My dear, you may need to seek professional counseling. Often a Church might advise you on the steps to take that may leave you feeling less apart. We can tell you that with TIME it gets better. That is a lie. You just need to feel that the love will go on. It never ends. Now you need to hold onto the memories. These thoughts of all the firsts. He is with you. He doesn't like you feeling sad. Your son misses you too. And he waits for you so he can show you he is healed. Even the small part of your anger that your son left you...This too will pass. For now your father needs you to be there for HIM. You have leaned on him all these years. Allow your Dad to lean on you. Ease his fears and allow him to know that what he faces is a part of what is meant to be. The Grandfather in him will hold your son in his arms and let him know that you will never let go of THIS love, THIS MEMORY. Close your eyes and look into the darkness. Your boy can see you. Time has away of changing. Either it gets better or it becomes worse. Say your prayers tonight and with your eyes closed you may see your boy wave at you. ...This was how I was able to revisit my own.Talk to Dad. He listens.
Wait till you see it several times. It does grow on you. You need support. Doing all this on your own is scary...and what about yourself? Who will bury you? Who will kneel at your grave and bring you flowers? I learned on my own I had to make certain my parents went out by their last and final wishes.I personaly prefer cremation. That is my wish alone. I want my ashes spread out on a place I loved most. I think about my back yard. To fertilise the back...To be where I was happiest.
