Only logged in members can reply and interact with the post.
Join SimilarWorlds for FREE »

Why is it so hard for people to just show some appreciation?! [I Marriage]

Ok so here’s my vent and the story to go with it...

First, I have medical issues that have me in a lot of pain constantly and make me weak and tired most of the time but I do my best to always have a positive attitude and not complain about it ever, this is my issue to deal with and I usually avoid talking about it with other people. But because of this I have to limit my activity so I don’t flare up and make things worse... it is hard because I want to be productive and be useful but admittedly my husband does do more around the house than I do and when I am flaring up (Usually for a couple of days, a few times a month) I do mostly rest and he does more work around the house while I try to do little more than take care of our 3 kids.

Now that the back story is out of the way I’d like to talk about what happened today and my issues with it.

We had decided it would be the best time to refinance our house since rates are so low so we have an appraiser coming in the morning. We had previously started to fix up some things in the house and had removed all of our door trimming and baseboards before the Appraiser called to set up the appointment, now we only had a day and a half to replace door trimmings and baseboards and get the house cleaned up in time for him to come. I am a very particular person and had a decent list of things I wanted cleaned really well before he came. I knew that with the baseboards and stuff my husband wouldn’t be able to help much with the cleaning. So I asked a friend to help me, she came over and helped me clean everything that I wanted to get done. I have been flaring up really bad and just really not feeling well but sucked it up because I knew we needed to get stuff done. My friend and I spent about 10 hours scrubbing everything in my house today. Seriously, everything. We scrubbed all appliances, countertops, cupboards, floors including hand scrubbing stairs, landings, banisters, hand rails, doors, windows, piano, bathroom, every damn wall in the house, vacuumed and organized kids rooms and we did it all with 6 kids running everywhere and at the same time my husband was finishing installing the new baseboards. It was a lot of work! I made sure to thank my husband and let him know how great the baseboards and trims look and that I appreciated all of his hard work. Here’s where I have my problem. All I got from him was anger... I busted my ass getting the house cleaned while I was in crazy amounts of pain and all I got from him was anger! I was shocked, no thank you or acknowledgement for the work I put in to make our house look amazing, no hugs of gratitude, not even saying anything about how good it looks. Just anger. I tried to leave it alone but he could tell something was bothering me and asked so I ended up telling him I was hurt by his lack of appreciation. Still in anger, he tells me he is just worried that I did too much. He said he was worried not just because it will make me have a flare up but because when I do flare up he is going to have to pick up some of my slack.

First, I made damn sure that EVERYTHING was cleaned in the whole house so even if he did have to pick up some slack it would be very minimal. I’m saying maybe starting the dishwasher once and helping me make sure the kids are picking up after themselves... I’m pretty sure that’s not too much to ask IF I flare up from all of the work I did. And I kept that in mind while I cleaned so I made sure to do everything in the house, leaving nothing but easy upkeep to be done for a few days.

Second, I don’t understand the anger towards me. He has told me the best way for him to feel love from me is when I do extra things around the house to help him out, so why is it all anger when I bust my ass for hours to do just that? If I don’t do much, when I take time to heal, I am made to feel as though I’m being lazy. If I do little things that don’t make me flare up or feel worse they go unnoticed making me feel like it’s not enough. But if I do a lot, still to show my love and appreciation and to make his life easier, then I’ve done too much and it makes him worry and it puts more pressure on him because he MIGHT have to pick up some slack for a couple of days (very unlikely since I still feel great hours later, actually much better than before I started cleaning) and I guess that warrants anger? Also, now I’m confused, if his “love language” is acts of kindness and I try to do that but it only angers him then how am I supposed to show him my love and appreciation the way that he says he most feels it?! I don’t know how to find the middle ground.

Third, why can’t he just show some appreciation? I literally cleaned every visible surface in our house and it looks amazing! I feel like it shouldn’t be that hard to just thank me for all of my hard work. Especially since he knows I’ve been feeling like crap lately. I did my best to make things easier for him, I deserve some appreciation not just anger. If he has an issue he can talk to me about it but should still at the very least say thank you to me. I mean, when he does things around the house most times it’s not done completely or the way I would like it done but I NEVER complain and always just let him know that I appreciate what he does. It’s not hard to just say thank you and know that even though it wasn’t done the way you wanted or wasn’t done completely (or in my case apparently I worked too hard) that they were only trying to help you and make things easier for you or show you that they love and care about you. So why is it so hard for him to think about why I worked so hard, to understand that I was trying to show my love and appreciation and make things easier for him? Why is it so damn hard to just say thank you?! That’s all I would like in return, and I don’t feel like it’s too much to ask.

Wow, that was way longer than I meant for it to be but if you made it through I would seriously live your input and opinions. I want to know how you would feel, both if you were in my position and/or my husband. I want to understand why he’s so upset so that I can make it better and do the right thing next time.
Lostpoet · M Best Comment
Although we don't completely know each other I've never once seen or heard anyone say you are lazy or pampered and I do know you irl you are very selfless and hard working but you do always put to much on your plate helping your sisters and family to a point of feeling completely drained. Could your husband have been upset about something else and just wasn't focused on your hard work and then at the end of the day he saw how drained and upset you were about not being appreciated and so he used the " I'm worried you over did yourself." as a way of defending himself from the argument. Your husband does, to me, sound self-centered and unable to just go outside of himself and say " wow babe you did a great job. " And when confronted he can't even admit that he was wrong not to show his appreciation, but instead that he was worried how you are going to act in the future and he applies that you are going to be a burden on him later.(which is f'ed up in its own way.) You know me a little bit too (I'm arrogant) so please don't get offended that I have such a negative view about your husband, but there are ways he can learn to be less self focused and he should work on that for the both of you.

I hope you and the fam are safe 🌠 K.

Montanaman · M
This hits close to home for me.
Similar situation. I know the work that must go into preparing your home for Appraisal. My wife and I busted our asses, her mostly because i just can't do the things i used to around the house because of my physical limitations after my stroke.
So you see...I'm in the sane. Boat. The appraisal went well thank God, and there was plenty of stress and anger to go around. But in the end, we got the loan from VA done and now we can be proud of working together to get that end result. 💪 🤗🤗❤️
ozgirl512 · 26-30, F
Because he's an idiot...
gdon39 · 41-45, M
It was long but you needed to get it out.

I too have excruciating pain 24 hours a day every day and will for the rest of my days.

I try to do everything I possibly can to make the world around me better.

I have a couple of thoughts if you want to hear them just Hmu
TheotherAndy · 41-45, M
I could never treat a person that I loved, the way you’re treated :(
Smileforall · 36-40, M
May we talk?
SW-User
The one part that stood out to me was he was afraid you'd flare up because he's have to pick up your slack. Not he was afraid you'd flare up because he felt empathy that you would be in pain and suffer.
He sounds resentful.
Beebo · M
I never read books, but I finished this one without falling asleep, lol

Someone like him would confuse me too, but heck. He sounds like a good guy otherwise, other than making a mistake with not showing the appreciation. You did terrific, and so did he around the house.

Sounds to me like a typical good relationship with small issues like many. I don't have an answer for you actually, unless I turn it into a Steven King book. But I did finish yours, lol

PS: Don't over do it, sounds like you did terrific
Alison · 18-21, F
*hugs*♀️.
It's clear your husband loves u heaps🥰. And sometimes u just gotta talk but that's hard too, every1 just sees stuff different🤷‍♀️.
Super🙂tho u got your house looking amazing.
If I were in your position, I would feel hurt, caught off-guard, surprised, bewildered...all the things you are feeling.

I have no idea why anger was his reaction, esp. when you are going way above what you SHOULD be doing in order to help the household, both financially and in the near term.

 
Post Comment