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I Need to Rant

Has anyone else here dated anyone who didn't want to make it official?

I've been seeing a guy for about 9 months and I thought the main reason we weren't official was that he might be moving away, he isn't moving away anytime soon it turns out. He still doesn't want to put a label on things, and he does have good reasons that I won't share on here but I can't help but feel hurt. Recently I talked about my feelings with him (just before or after he found out he wasn't moving) and that I would want to progress and he said he would be open to giving it a try but then yesterday I bring it up again to make sure whether or not it was now official and he talked about how he doesn't like labels.

It feels like a stab in the stomach because I made it clear from the beginning I either wanted a platonic friendship OR a relationship and it seemed like he understood that. His feelings are important to me, and I don't want to pressure him into a relationship if he isn't ready to be in one...but I don't want to be just someone he is seeing and I am really confused at how he thinks not wanting a label would be any different from how we have been up until now.

I understand why he is unsure and I know it is hard on him too, but I can't take it anymore. I am considering just moving on. I feel so depressed I don't even want to go out today, though I have to. I just feel like if he isn't ready for me after 9 months he might not be ready for me for another 9 months, or even another 9 months after that. :(

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SW-User

I think he’s kinda making excuses..
You’ve made it very clear you’re intentions and etc.
You should probably move on

MissMoon · 26-30, F

@SW-User I don't think he is making excuses but at the same time, I do think it might be the best move to move on. I want someone who would be proud to call me their girlfriend. I am going to try to settle this the next time I see him. Thank you for the advice :)

SW-User

@MissMoon you’re welcome

OlderDude · 61-69, M

Your needs and wants are just as valid as his. If he is unwilling or unable to give you what you need in a relationship, then its time for you to make a choice.
If you choose to wait, that's ok, but put a time limit on yourself or you just may be 50 before you realize that hes not going to change.

MissMoon · 26-30, F

@OlderDude Thank you for that, I really needed to hear that. I have felt conflicted all this time honestly because he does have personal reasons for not wanting to be official...but it is eating me up inside and I just want to be happy, this isn't making me happy.

SW-User

Move on, he's hurting you....and yes had a guy act like he wanted a relationship,but then didn't want to lable it...big waste of time

MissMoon · 26-30, F

@SW-User I am sorry you went through that, thank you for the response

SW-User

@MissMoon It is mean to lead someone on and give hope where there is none.
I'm sorry for that.
He may need to grow up some, but you don't need the hurt his playing around with your affections causes.

Fallflower · 46-50, F

I’m sorry 😢 yes I’ve been there and it does sound like it’s time to move on. You’re not happy.

MissMoon · 26-30, F

@Fallflower Thank you for the response, yeah...I thought things would be different by now :( I want someone who would be proud to call me their girlfriend. There is a lot I can compromise with but not this. I am sorry that you have been through this too.

Fallflower · 46-50, F

You absolutely deserve that!@MissMoon

I hate to say this but I doubt he's the one....
Sounds more like FWB
Good luck

MissMoon · 26-30, F

@GrayGhost He said that I am more than just a friend and we are exclusive, but he just doesn't like labels. To me the label is so much more than a label...it does sometimes make me feel like FWB and I hate that. Thank you, I am going to meet with him soon and hopefully sort this out.

@MissMoon you younger kids do things differently from my generation but when I had gf's we both knew that along with other people.
I don't think you're asking too much.

If you are exclusive and you go out on dates then you're together. Like no need to dtr because after 9 months that's just de facto.

If however, he's sleeping with other women and not taking you out then congrats... You're just a fuck buddy and you gotta get outta there fast. Hope this helps

MissMoon · 26-30, F

@Qwerty14 He isn't involved with anyone else, he hates that kind of thing. We are exclusive in that we don't date anyone but personally after 9 months of waiting, I do need to dtr. I have been through this before and don't want to go through that again. It seemed to me that things were about to change, but nope and honestly that hurts. If I just keep going along with this I won't be happy, and neither of us deserves a relationship where one person is unhappy.

@MissMoon Then I say stand up for yourself. Just say to him "look I need to dtr or this has gotta stop. Man up (questioning his manhood is always a strong way to motivate a guy) and be my bf". Usually a guy who is exclusive has already decided subconsciously that he wants to commit so pushing the situation shouldn't be a problem.

If however it does scare him and he still refuses, then I say dump him because he's just not decisive enough for you. You're right that you both need to be happy and you'll just grow to hate him if you keep this up

SStarfish ·

Maybe he's just a player who doesn't want any commitments/obligations to anyone

JaggedLittlePill · 46-50, F

You are making excuses for him because he is making excuses as to why he can't make it "official". It is typical in a manipulative situation. A few months from now, after you decide to move on, you will start recognizing the manipulations. He is making excuses. He doesn't want to be tied down. He is looking for other fish in the sea. This is your opportunity to end this and find someone who won't have issues with being clear on where you stand with them in a relationship.

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