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I'm Afraid It's Too Late For Me

We steamroll along towards Christmas. For me, this Christmas is somewhat bitter sweet.

On the sweet side, it's my Grandson's first Christmas. To tell the truth, it seems like he could care less. When his parents brought our Christmas tree home, he hardly took notice. And, why should he ? After all, how would he know trees don't really belong inside your livingroom. Xavier is happy just to be looked at and talked to. He doesn't even care what you say. Just look him in the eye, smile, and say anything. He'll smile and laugh and be content. Everyone else however..., Well they're all kinds of excited for him.

On the bitter side... Well the thoughts of my son Joe are never-ending. Some bring a small smile at times. All of them followed by the pain of knowing he's gone and that he won't ever share amything with the rest of us again. I do the best I can to deal with the here and now. The past is always right there though. Like a spectre or phantom. Haunting me.

As many things as I can find to distract me, as soon as those distractions quiet themselves, I return to all the ghosts of my past. Or do they return to me ? I'm never really sure.

My dreams are dark almost every night, and I hardly ever sleep in a normal time frame. A couple of hours at a time, at best. Mostly waking up abruptly, irrate, panicked, and covered in sweat. Obviously my subconscious hasn't been very kind to my conscious self lately.

I miss Joe an awful lot. Christmas isn't the same knowing he's gone from us forever.

Make sure to tell the people you love that you love them. Especially during times when things aren't all that great between you.

Some day it might be too late for you. Just as it is for me now.
Too Late....
Fungirlmmm · 51-55, F
I am so sorry for your loss. I know the feeling of that loss as well, but mine was some years ago. Although that pain is always there, I think I deal with it by immersing myself in others, mostly nieces and nephews. Speaking of them, I have a new niece today. She graced us with her presence early and she is tiny but very beautiful. She is one of my best Christmas presents but I wish she had been my Valentines present as she was supposed to be but I am thankful. Again I am sorry for your loss. Congratulations on your new grandbaby. I hope he brings you continued joy and peace in your future.
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Fungirlmmm · 51-55, F
@SW-User They have that brand new person smell too. ;)
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Platinum · M
The sad part of living is that we eventually die, it hits us all very hard and the closer they are to us the harder it becomes...I can see and understand that losing your son is so painful, whatever anyone says don't really help, but I'm sorry for your loss...
Repete · 61-69, M
It's never easy and we all wish we had a little more time .we have to live with ourselves and people say let the past stay in the past . Or stop beating yourself up over the past. All good advice but very hard to do. I wish I could help but words never completely do it. All I can say is remember the good times as much as you can and every chance you can treat his memory as if it was him . We can't go back but we can remember the good not so old days.
Things seem to get a little better with time.

 
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