Always Improving Myself
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I Am Always Improving Myself

I had a conversation with my friend and I still feel myself like if I received a slap. A slap that opened my eyes to reality.
The thing is that I'm...how to tell it...one of these people who are in her own world of fantasy and dreams. Very sensitive. All affects me as hell. I have an idea of the world...and when the reality is not so beautiful, I got disappointed.
I give thanks for having people around as this friend who from time to time, take me back to the Earth.

I was talking to him about my problems in school with my coworkers. It's not that I argued with anyone there but I was pretty disappointed bc noone wants to dirty his hands to arrange problems in the school. Only covering these problems to avoid a bad press.
He told me. People are like this. They try to do the less as possible and they don't like you to be outlined. If you are, they will go against you. Everyone has a strategy.

Everyone has a strategy, everyone has a strategy...this remark is on my mind all the time.

I thought. What the hell! It's a school. It's supposed we are there to work together and fight for the best for kids!

Don't believe nice words, he added, there are people who goes pretending being stupid because they don't want anyone to request anything. And then, there are people who put you a happy face and then, talk about you behind your back.

I must be stupid. Because I tend to believe what people tell me. I asked him: so, how I know if I can trust someone?. He said...you will only see with time. For their acts. Only smile. Don't ask for help. Do the things on your own and smile.

Now, that I'm more open to people...I don't know if it's my own fault ...but it's pretty disappointing bc if I found hard to be comfortable with someone in the past, now I see it even worse.


I'm very interested in knowing your thoughts and opinions.
twistermind
51-55, F
10 replies 66 views Jul 16, 2016
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novembermoon · 51-55
Dear twistermind, I see people for who they are and over time, I trust my intuition about them. I am a loner most of the time and I am very selective about the company I keep. At the workplace, I learn to be a team player and am pleasant enough to be around but I am averse to teambuilding activities that purport to strengthen bonds between people. To me, these are artificial and contrived. The real test of whether people are sincere is when they have to work together on real projects. And unfortunately, that is when they show their true colours. They may not be conniving or sly but generally, there is a lack of consideration for others when they do their work. The law of the jungle applies. It is every man for himself, guarding his own turf. Sad but true.
+ 2 · Reply · Translate · Jul 24, 2016
Cierzo · M
Acceptance, and especially self-acceptance, is a very long and hard road. Whatever you do to improve, it never seems enough.
I have realised that sometimes I will do better, and sometimes worse. That the moment when I will remain totally unaffected by the fact that the world is not the way it should be, will never happen. Simply, that's not me.

It has a positive side too. Not falling into conformism. Keeping the flame inside to try to change what we don't agree with. Sometimes that flame turns into rage and melancholy. Fire goes easily out of control. Fire warms but also burns.

The alternative choice is freezing inside. Sometimes it is necessary. But other than those times, I don't think it is worth it.
+ 2 · Reply · Translate · Jul 24, 2016
twistermind · 51-55, F
@ CuriousGorge: Yes, this is what I feel worse about, I mean, the thing that I had to change and not being myself. I also tend to trust people. I don't have reasons to believe they are lying, or having a secret agenda.
I don't like to look at the world with that distrust. But, I know I have to be more cautious, because I'm very sensible to disappointings.

@NearMiss: yes, I guess there is a lot of competition, mainly in some companies were competition is encourage over cooperative work. It's sad. But, it's hard to believe in a school. What makes me a hope is that the friend I mentioned began being only a coworker.

Thank you both for your replies!
+ 1 · Reply · Translate · Jul 18, 2016
Cierzo · M
Sadly it is true what your friend told you. The world is a jungle. And everybody has an strategy to survive.
It is very sad to realise it is like that, knowing at the same time that things do not have to be this way, that the world is a jungle because we humans have made it like that. When you are a sensitive person this thought makes you bleed. I had to accept that there will be times in my life I will feel a wound inside because I feel too far away from the world.
+ 2 · Reply · Translate · Jul 24, 2016
twistermind · 51-55, F
I don't consider myself better than other people, only that I'm too much sensitive. Indeed, I'm being awared now that I also have a hidden agenda. In the sense that I'm expecting people being as I would like they were. I'm struggling because they are not or don't see them as I would like.
Always having a perfect ideal idea of how I have to be and how the world has to be.
I'm understanding now that my sensitiviness is a way to play the role of the victim, poor me...the world is not how it must be....I'm not as I would like to be.
I have such a level of not acceptance.
This not acceptance of myself and the world around me is what leads me to take in many behaviours from others that I don't like and that hurt myself. I liked to think that I was doing a comprehension of others but I think what I do is to justify and take things in a exercise to get approval from others. My narcissist wound can't take others think bad about me or disappoint me, because I need them in some way, because I don't like myself...I take things I don't like and let others behaviours and beliefs disturbe my peace.
+ 1 · Reply · Translate · Jul 24, 2016 · Edited: 7 yrs ago
novembermoon · 51-55
I work in a school too. It is amazing how universal some things are. And yes, like you, I naively thought that this being a school, people's motives should be pure. I was proven wrong often. Over the years, I have learnt. And sometimes it gets lonely because you don't really know if people come to you without an agenda. It is true.
+ 2 · Reply · Translate · Jul 22, 2016
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twistermind · 51-55, F
Cierzo
Are you also a perfectionism? I'm not a whole perfectionism but I was diagnosed with strong traits of it. So, I think that the only possitive thing I can find inside me it's my disposal to learn and be better.
I'm also a dreamer. I'm not a comformist. Never I was. I have the same sense of justice as I had when I was an adolescent. But, I'm afraid that I'm not considering how much it affects my own well-being. And when you don't feel strong, it's better to consider this before changing the world.
My dad always says to me that my problem is that I want to change the world.
I'm being a bit selfish when I barely can change my own view of myself.
+ 0 · Reply · Translate · Jul 24, 2016
CheshireCatalyst · 36-40, M
I start every relationship by trusting the other person. It takes a lot to break that.

It has good and bad consequences, but they're all based on the other persons personality. If they're awful, they abuse the trust and do a bad job...then I find out and get rid of them. If they're great, my trust was deserved and they prosper.

Keep your naivety. It's not a bad thing.
+ 0 · Reply · Translate · Jul 18, 2016
twistermind · 51-55, F
It's hard. It said it doesn't matter how reality is but how you take it. I think it's the only consolation.
What do you do? I mean, how do you take it?
+ 0 · Reply · Translate · Jul 23, 2016
 
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