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Episodes lately

Last night was on phone with friend.Had a little to drink.When I started drinking everything I didnt want to say came out.All I had been holding back

Emotional vomit. He got sexual which is norm for us but it was like I was being abused by the person who raped me as a child.
It was a mess of conflicting statements.

Like, "Rape me, I dont care anymore".
Or the "Why"
"why did it happen to me"
"What did I do wrong"
"he wont stop touching me, Why"

Like I go back to the mindset of being abused and the other persom becomes the image of my abuser.A representation.

Oddly enough I havent had to deal with these episodes since I was 14.

Then I burst into tears when refused sexual advances eventhough Im clearly out of my mind.Because often times it was the only form of attention from adults in my lifr as a child.Or from others in general.

When they no longer want you sexually, you are tossed aside.
And so eventhough he rejects me while Im hammered Ill cry and ask him not to hate me.

Confusing
cherokeepatti · 61-69, F
You need someone who is detached from you but is empathic to help walk you through this and help you get those feelings out because as long as they are buried they will be there and come out to confuse you.
Novascel · M
[@16806,cherokeepatti] Yeepp, have to put into practice my ground techniques and maybe longer periods of meditation(tho makes me sleepy as hell)
Sucks cause I really thought I was through with it.
But I guess PTSD coming back is possible.
Novascel · M
[@16806,cherokeepatti] I seem to switch between focusing on miscarriage and focusing on the past sexual abuse.
They're practically taking turns atm
cherokeepatti · 61-69, F
[@332555,Novascel] there are still things that trigger memories from childhood for me and I’m 65 years old. I had a different experience than you did but it’s something that stays in our memories for life. I just try to detach myself emotionally and talk about it to someone to get it out when those triggers happen.
TheRascallyOne · 31-35, M
What the hell kinda show is this
Novascel · M
[@19729,TheRascallyOne] Novas head
TheRascallyOne · 31-35, M
[@332555,Novascel] is this on Amazon?

 
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