I need to let it go and sleep [I Am Going Through a Breakup]
It's nighttime again. This is when it tends to be the hardest for me to be at peace. My mind just keeps running with thoughts about the "why"'s, the "if"'s, and the "how dare he"'s. Lately, I've been staying up until 2am, once even 5am, just overcome with these nagging thoughts. It's actually 2:25 right now where I am.
Today I finally figured out that I don't stay up at night because I miss him. I stay up at night because I'm still shell-shocked and angry about how it all went down. It still baffles me to think about the fact that he continued to tell me that he loved me more than anything, even after I found out he was cheating, and then not more than one day after I dump him, he's announcing that he's single on Instagram and flirting with other chicks, and has even reached out to some on dating sites.
It's just hard for me to wrap my head around... but the reality that it's not for me to wrap my head around anymore. I don't have to understand why he did what he did or why he's doing what he's doing now. I don't have to wonder about "what-ifs" and linger on whether he'll be better or worse without me. The truth is that he will just be. Just as I will be. No better or worse than before, just not together... continuing our separate journeys through life.
And lastly, I don't have to worry about the "how dare he" thoughts. Being stuck in that anger only ties me to a past that is no longer a part of my future. I need to look forward now and put energy into doing things that propel me toward where I want to be. And currently, I value stability, security, growth, and building a little more self-worth. So I'll do my best to focus on those things going forward.
Today I finally figured out that I don't stay up at night because I miss him. I stay up at night because I'm still shell-shocked and angry about how it all went down. It still baffles me to think about the fact that he continued to tell me that he loved me more than anything, even after I found out he was cheating, and then not more than one day after I dump him, he's announcing that he's single on Instagram and flirting with other chicks, and has even reached out to some on dating sites.
It's just hard for me to wrap my head around... but the reality that it's not for me to wrap my head around anymore. I don't have to understand why he did what he did or why he's doing what he's doing now. I don't have to wonder about "what-ifs" and linger on whether he'll be better or worse without me. The truth is that he will just be. Just as I will be. No better or worse than before, just not together... continuing our separate journeys through life.
And lastly, I don't have to worry about the "how dare he" thoughts. Being stuck in that anger only ties me to a past that is no longer a part of my future. I need to look forward now and put energy into doing things that propel me toward where I want to be. And currently, I value stability, security, growth, and building a little more self-worth. So I'll do my best to focus on those things going forward.
31-35, F
