I Express Myself Through Writing
I am standing just on this side of a door I closed, knowing that it could open up and swallow back into the darkness at any time.
I am re-evaluating myself, looking back and seeing where I have been, where I am, and where I still want to be.
I know that I didn't like the me I was, when I used to believe that all my life would ever be was sadness, darkness and misery. It was everywhere I looked, everything I thought and all that I was. I cut myself frequently, I berated myself endlessly and expressed my misery in poems that I thought might get some of it out and onto the paper. I couldn't let go of living like that, in survival mode.
I was doing the things I learned how to do when things were happening to me that were beyond my comprehension and my control. I was angry, so very angry. I was sad, so very sad. I was stuck, and did not know how to get out, didn't know how to stop the hurting. The only thing I could find to end it all was to get out, get out of my life.
I lived like that for over 40 years, it took me so long to get out of the darkness. I remember the end of January 2013, I had just graduated from college, I was at my lowest point in my entire life at that time. I am allergic to Aleve and had taken a handful. I lay in my bed for quite a while thinking over things, my life, my pain. I ultimately decided that I wasn't ready to die and took an antihistamine. I didn't know if I had waited to long and had not taken it in time. I resolved that if it was too late then I was okay and lay there and just let it take me, the allergic reaction started in, my skin was itching and a bright red, I got up a few times and had to use the bathroom but must have passed out on the way there and back to my bed because I woke up twice on the floor not knowing how I got there. I had two very sad songs looping on my computer, my goodbye songs...
I let the darkness sink in and take me ready to go from this life. I must have taken the antidote in enough time because I woke up later that night.
Shortly afterwards I walked into my first of many AA meetings. I was not an alcoholic, I didn't even like to drink, but my parents were alcoholics and had taught me how to act like an alcoholic, so there I was. I didn't know what to expect, I don't even really know what brought me there to begin with. Here they were, these people, with their stories of hopelessness and despair, I felt right at home. For weeks I just sat there listening to the stories, but the stories were about more than just the bad times, these people had found this thing they were calling serenity and boy howdy did that ever sound like something I wanted, something I needed and something I just had to have.
I am re-evaluating myself, looking back and seeing where I have been, where I am, and where I still want to be.
I know that I didn't like the me I was, when I used to believe that all my life would ever be was sadness, darkness and misery. It was everywhere I looked, everything I thought and all that I was. I cut myself frequently, I berated myself endlessly and expressed my misery in poems that I thought might get some of it out and onto the paper. I couldn't let go of living like that, in survival mode.
I was doing the things I learned how to do when things were happening to me that were beyond my comprehension and my control. I was angry, so very angry. I was sad, so very sad. I was stuck, and did not know how to get out, didn't know how to stop the hurting. The only thing I could find to end it all was to get out, get out of my life.
I lived like that for over 40 years, it took me so long to get out of the darkness. I remember the end of January 2013, I had just graduated from college, I was at my lowest point in my entire life at that time. I am allergic to Aleve and had taken a handful. I lay in my bed for quite a while thinking over things, my life, my pain. I ultimately decided that I wasn't ready to die and took an antihistamine. I didn't know if I had waited to long and had not taken it in time. I resolved that if it was too late then I was okay and lay there and just let it take me, the allergic reaction started in, my skin was itching and a bright red, I got up a few times and had to use the bathroom but must have passed out on the way there and back to my bed because I woke up twice on the floor not knowing how I got there. I had two very sad songs looping on my computer, my goodbye songs...
I let the darkness sink in and take me ready to go from this life. I must have taken the antidote in enough time because I woke up later that night.
Shortly afterwards I walked into my first of many AA meetings. I was not an alcoholic, I didn't even like to drink, but my parents were alcoholics and had taught me how to act like an alcoholic, so there I was. I didn't know what to expect, I don't even really know what brought me there to begin with. Here they were, these people, with their stories of hopelessness and despair, I felt right at home. For weeks I just sat there listening to the stories, but the stories were about more than just the bad times, these people had found this thing they were calling serenity and boy howdy did that ever sound like something I wanted, something I needed and something I just had to have.
