I Express Myself Through Writing

They say that repeating the same action over and over again while hoping for different results each time is the very definition of insanity. Perhaps I am insane. Or perhaps the very act of hoping is the insanity in itself.

I'm certainly an optimist. It is hope that always gets me to hang on to the very end. When others have long given up, I'm still there...hoping. Always believing the world to be kinder than it actually is. People to be more compassionate than they actually are. Even when I put up a wall, I always leave a hole for someone to tear through if they wish to try. If I turn my back, I still secretly listen to those behind me in case they wish to change or make amends. I always look for the best in people, and I always hope they'll find it when I can't.

Too often, I care about people more than they care about me. Perhaps they're not looking for the good in me as hard as I am in them. And that's ok. We can't be every single person's cup of tea or most cherished person. I certainly have those who care for me very much and I'm grateful for them. I think I tend to care about too many people though. Once I care for a person, I can't just stop caring. I'll care 'til I die. I'm ok with that. The hard part is that no matter how little interest a person may show in me, I will continue to show interest in them. I'm sure many would say I'm totally pathetic. I'm ok with that too.

I struggled back and forth with it for a long while. Do you just give up on those that don't reciprocate your efforts? Do you continue being kind despite their lack of effort? Here is the conclusion I came to:

I can give up on anyone, but I'd never want them to give up on me. So as long as I know a person isn't annoyed or upset by my efforts, I'm just going to keep on being a good friend, even when they can't. I'm not saying it's healthy to invest hours a day of your life on a person who basically ignores you, but I think it's the small things that matter. Simply asking how a person is doing. Inviting them out, even if you know they're going to say no...and you'll probably get annoyed that they said no, again, for a little bit. lol. But at the end of it all, at least they know someone cares about them. I've learned that too many people simply suck at staying in touch. They beat their self up, overanalyze things too much, don't believe you want to hear from them, etc. Even more often, their schedule is just too busy and they're too overwhelmed thinking about their kids and their own lives to worry about anyone else!

There are two reasons I've been pondering this. Well, there's more and it's been an ongoing thing for months really, but there are two main ones right now. My dad. And someone I used to know.

I know my dad loves me, very much. Yet he never makes any effort to come see me or anything. He breaks my heart over and over and over and over again. Yet, at the end of the day, I know he loves me and he means well. He just has his own issues he needs to get over with. I'd rather continue forgiving him and being the one to make ALL the effort to spend time together than to be standing at his funeral one day wishing I'd swallowed my own pride.

As for the person I used to know. It's complicated. Ending on shaky ground, years of not speaking. Now, this weird limbo in a place I don't entirely understand. I've always waited for them to return to me though. I had a moment where I got mad and almost said screw it all...but then, there was that glimmer of hope again...and there I went looking for the best in people, hoping for the best. Perhaps the fine line between sanity and insanity is whether or not you accept the fact that you may get hurt. Hope can hurt. At this point, conversation is simply me asking questions and them answering. They don't seem to have any interest in anything regarding me. Yet, I'm still asking questions. I'm still trying to steer this ship towards calmer waters and a potential friendship. Right now, it is not a friendship. It is more of a cynical mess on one side and a naive idiot on the other just coexisting with no clue on either side what's going on. haha. I think. haha. BUT, like I said before...I'd rather try, and make sure people know I care, than to protect myself in a bubble where I can't get hurt. There is a time and a season for everything.