I Have Something to Say

I'm feeling a little jealous of one of my oldest friends.
She's 9 weeks pregnant with her 3rd baby, and was able to announce it as early as 6 weeks.
She's able to share this happiness with everyone.

While I've had to keep my 19 week pregnancy quiet because I've had so many miscarriages trying to have a 3rd child and I'm so tired of the criticism and the looks of pity I get from everyone who doesn't have or know all the details of the losses.

So I've kept my twins a secret from the world except from those particularly close to me, those who've personally grieved with me.

& im jealous - I don't want to be, but I am and it sucks because even though I'm happy for her I wish I could share the joy and even anxieties I feel but most of all excitement I'm experiencing carrying my two little ones.

Today marks 19 weeks down and I've got 19 more weeks to go.
Only 5 weeks until viability
And 11 weeks until a 50% chance survival rate....

I'm dying to tell everyone but I'm also so scared that something might happen and I'll lose them and have to face the world again after another loss.

I feel shitty today for feeling this way.