I Have Something to Say

I'm feeling a little jealous of one of my oldest friends.
She's 9 weeks pregnant with her 3rd baby, and was able to announce it as early as 6 weeks.
She's able to share this happiness with everyone.

While I've had to keep my 19 week pregnancy quiet because I've had so many miscarriages trying to have a 3rd child and I'm so tired of the criticism and the looks of pity I get from everyone who doesn't have or know all the details of the losses.

So I've kept my twins a secret from the world except from those particularly close to me, those who've personally grieved with me.

& im jealous - I don't want to be, but I am and it sucks because even though I'm happy for her I wish I could share the joy and even anxieties I feel but most of all excitement I'm experiencing carrying my two little ones.

Today marks 19 weeks down and I've got 19 more weeks to go.
Only 5 weeks until viability
And 11 weeks until a 50% chance survival rate....

I'm dying to tell everyone but I'm also so scared that something might happen and I'll lose them and have to face the world again after another loss.

I feel shitty today for feeling this way.

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UreBesFrend · M

You have two kids now? Then you need to be happy all the time, and if you keep these ones it is all a bonus, nothing else.

Kids are wonderful, but it is not a contest, and you are doing an amazing job already.

I was a sperm donor for a few years and tried to help several ladies in their 40's conceive their first child, one lady miscarried 3 times before she finally quit, she was heartbroken, but sometimes nature just won't allow it. She left it too long.

Several other women could not get pregnant at all, despite trying every month for a year. At least it was free.

Anyways, don't get too down on yourself, you are a breeder no doubt.

KaysHealingPath · 36-40, F

It's not about breeding.
I have no issues getting pregnant. We (my husband and I) have always wanted a big family (3-4 kids) we had 2 and I lost perfectly healthy babies due to a condition called Incompetent cervix.
I'm not saying it's not painful to live with infertility, but being fertile and losing perfectly healthy babies due to a condition that CAN be resolved is plain hurtful. Doctors failed to diagnose and treat my cervical incompetence because I'm sure they felt 2 kids was enough.
& don't get me wrong I love my kids more than anyone could possibly know, that doesn't make losing my other babies less painful.

UreBesFrend · M

That is sad. Hopefully these ones turn out OK. Wishing you all the best.

KaysHealingPath · 36-40, F

@AdventureRider: that's the issue, it's not the babies, they're perfectly healthy. It's my cervix. I live everyday praying that the stitch that was placed to hold them in will hold.
Also I did not force this pregnancy it was spontaneous.
This and the pregnancy before this one occurred while I was birth control.
I am a person that believes everything happens for a reason. So there's a reason why I'm carrying these little ones today.