I Have Something to Say
Why am I still fighting?
I had thought perhaps maybe that a change in environment would transpose to a change in perspective. A new city, new people and a new job. But alas this was not the case. It is painfully apparent I'm still stuck in a rut. None of my pain will dissipate no matter what I do. I still feel the same misery, the same solitude and the same unfulfilled and unsatisfied demeanor I felt back home. But yet I still fight. I continue to put trust into people, to feel pity towards those with less and continue to build with them. Despite having being betrayed, lied to, cheated, overlooked, misunderstood and even hated. Am I doing this to myself? Have I become self destructive? Continuously burying blades deep into my psyche? I cant answer that. I no longer understand people nor do I understand myself. Day to day I feel stuck, void of emotion and only long for solitude. Longing for that moment I clock out for the day and return to my abode and linger quietly alone. Solitude may not bring about joy but it does bring familiarity that I crave. It's a chore to put myself out there, make an effort to be seen, to be noticed. Casual familiarity with others seems to be the peak of which I am able to obtain. A background friend more or less, only occasionally making an impression but no doubt forgotten just moments later. Is this the case? Or am I forcing myself to believe that? I wish I could say for certain. I wish I understood what it was I am doing it wrong. Or is it possible that people really just are that ego centric and uncaring of others. It breaks my heart what we do to each other. A helping hand is nothing more than a charade in these times. There is always an ulterior motive behind seemingly good deeds. Nothing is free and no good deed goes unpunished. I despise humans. I absolutely despise them. I cannot fathom what vexes their minds to coerce them into such despicable actions. Such actions should be met with equally harsh repercussions. Reparation is a foreign concept I fear. We as a species do not feel guilt for the harm we cause. As creatures of habit we tend to repeat atrocities over and over and only in the wake of our sins do we come to realize our mistakes. But by then it is far too late, the damage done cannot be undone. Despite this people do not seek redemption nor do they care to improve themselves. Over and over they cause the same harm until they become numb and become less than human. I no longer risk my own well being. I will never again give charity to beggars. I will no longer go out of my way to help those in need. I will no longer allow them to take the air from my lungs, the marrow from my bones. I am convinced I am better off alone. Why should I dedicate my livelihood to another when it can be taken from me in an instant under my nose? I realize this is no way to live and I will forever be submerged in self doubt and bitterness but neither is being a gullible fool or someones puppet. Twenty seven years of living and I still have a long way to go and I'm sure plenty of things to learn. Maybe one day I will outgrow this but for now I will play it safe.
I had thought perhaps maybe that a change in environment would transpose to a change in perspective. A new city, new people and a new job. But alas this was not the case. It is painfully apparent I'm still stuck in a rut. None of my pain will dissipate no matter what I do. I still feel the same misery, the same solitude and the same unfulfilled and unsatisfied demeanor I felt back home. But yet I still fight. I continue to put trust into people, to feel pity towards those with less and continue to build with them. Despite having being betrayed, lied to, cheated, overlooked, misunderstood and even hated. Am I doing this to myself? Have I become self destructive? Continuously burying blades deep into my psyche? I cant answer that. I no longer understand people nor do I understand myself. Day to day I feel stuck, void of emotion and only long for solitude. Longing for that moment I clock out for the day and return to my abode and linger quietly alone. Solitude may not bring about joy but it does bring familiarity that I crave. It's a chore to put myself out there, make an effort to be seen, to be noticed. Casual familiarity with others seems to be the peak of which I am able to obtain. A background friend more or less, only occasionally making an impression but no doubt forgotten just moments later. Is this the case? Or am I forcing myself to believe that? I wish I could say for certain. I wish I understood what it was I am doing it wrong. Or is it possible that people really just are that ego centric and uncaring of others. It breaks my heart what we do to each other. A helping hand is nothing more than a charade in these times. There is always an ulterior motive behind seemingly good deeds. Nothing is free and no good deed goes unpunished. I despise humans. I absolutely despise them. I cannot fathom what vexes their minds to coerce them into such despicable actions. Such actions should be met with equally harsh repercussions. Reparation is a foreign concept I fear. We as a species do not feel guilt for the harm we cause. As creatures of habit we tend to repeat atrocities over and over and only in the wake of our sins do we come to realize our mistakes. But by then it is far too late, the damage done cannot be undone. Despite this people do not seek redemption nor do they care to improve themselves. Over and over they cause the same harm until they become numb and become less than human. I no longer risk my own well being. I will never again give charity to beggars. I will no longer go out of my way to help those in need. I will no longer allow them to take the air from my lungs, the marrow from my bones. I am convinced I am better off alone. Why should I dedicate my livelihood to another when it can be taken from me in an instant under my nose? I realize this is no way to live and I will forever be submerged in self doubt and bitterness but neither is being a gullible fool or someones puppet. Twenty seven years of living and I still have a long way to go and I'm sure plenty of things to learn. Maybe one day I will outgrow this but for now I will play it safe.
31-35, M
