I Have Something to Say
So I was asked to speak this week.
I consider it an honor, but I am not a public speaker even though i have been speaking in small groups for a few years now.
So I have something to say, but I have so much and I need to sit with myself and mediatate to hear my heart and my guidance on what I will talk about. I always try to not get to emotional, but sometimes I can't help the tears.
I remember the first time I spoke. I was so mad that I was asked to but I figured I was asked for a reason so I was going to do it.
I finally figured out what to speak about. It was a deep secret that no one knew about my life. I was nervous and scared. It was a small group about 40 people and the time came. I started:
I am empathic. That has been one of my battles for years. So I begin and I was going to do this a matter of fact and be done with it. It did not work that way. I cried, I felt tads of shame for what was done to me, and sadness and fear. I remember looking around at all the people and feeling their emotions. I felt pain, anger, shame, pity, sadness, fear, and other emotions. I picked up that others were guilty of putting some one through what I went through and others that had been in my shoes. Finally I am done. It was quiet.
People were asked to speak after. The first person was a man about 50, dressed in his Harley Davidson clothes (a biker). He looks at me with pity, sorrow, pain and shame and he is crying. With tears rolling down his face, he says to me: "I am so sorry! I wish I could have helped you. I can even tell you how sad and mad I am. I thought I had it bad and here you sit, all 5 ft of you and what you experienced. I am so sorry!"
Finally it was over and I was ready to run out. I was stopped by a few people as I was trying to escape (that is what it felt like) Talking about being exposed and raw for everyone, something i had never done. A few asked me for advice and thanked me for what i shared.
That was almost 4 years ago. So this time, I am thinking it will be different but I am sure it will be just a painful because I try to speak from my heart, authentic and in the moment. I have something to say, but what? We will see.
I consider it an honor, but I am not a public speaker even though i have been speaking in small groups for a few years now.
So I have something to say, but I have so much and I need to sit with myself and mediatate to hear my heart and my guidance on what I will talk about. I always try to not get to emotional, but sometimes I can't help the tears.
I remember the first time I spoke. I was so mad that I was asked to but I figured I was asked for a reason so I was going to do it.
I finally figured out what to speak about. It was a deep secret that no one knew about my life. I was nervous and scared. It was a small group about 40 people and the time came. I started:
I am empathic. That has been one of my battles for years. So I begin and I was going to do this a matter of fact and be done with it. It did not work that way. I cried, I felt tads of shame for what was done to me, and sadness and fear. I remember looking around at all the people and feeling their emotions. I felt pain, anger, shame, pity, sadness, fear, and other emotions. I picked up that others were guilty of putting some one through what I went through and others that had been in my shoes. Finally I am done. It was quiet.
People were asked to speak after. The first person was a man about 50, dressed in his Harley Davidson clothes (a biker). He looks at me with pity, sorrow, pain and shame and he is crying. With tears rolling down his face, he says to me: "I am so sorry! I wish I could have helped you. I can even tell you how sad and mad I am. I thought I had it bad and here you sit, all 5 ft of you and what you experienced. I am so sorry!"
Finally it was over and I was ready to run out. I was stopped by a few people as I was trying to escape (that is what it felt like) Talking about being exposed and raw for everyone, something i had never done. A few asked me for advice and thanked me for what i shared.
That was almost 4 years ago. So this time, I am thinking it will be different but I am sure it will be just a painful because I try to speak from my heart, authentic and in the moment. I have something to say, but what? We will see.
