I Can't Sleep When I Have Too Much On My Mind

Never in a million years did I think I would end up where I am now. At 16 yrs old I have become a high school dropout, I am jobless, my parents hate me, and I am very suicidal.

In all honesty, it probably isn't as bad as it sounds, but when I find myself crying on the kitchen floor it feels as if the world is ending. I want to put the blame on school and my parents -anyone but me- except I know the truth. I'm the one to blame... at least for most of it.

If I want to keep living I need to change my perspective. I'm addicted to the pain and sadness I bring onto myself. I love crying and being able to feel bad for myself. I have made myself believe that I am a victim with so much strength and willpower to be able to achieve what I have/will all on my own. I need attention, it's what my dreams are based on.

That's going to change though. I don't know what religion, meditation, or book is going to do that for me, but I'm not going to be ungrateful anymore. I'm going to be happy with myself and life.