Part 4: Fear of Death
The four givens of the human condition, the four sources of existential anguish, are The Meaning of Life, Loneliness, Freedom and Fear of Death. These were proposed by Irvin D. Yalom and used in existential psychotherapy (both are worth a Google and a Wikipedia visit). In this final entry in a four-part series, I will address Fear of Death. The goal is the same every time: To share something that works for me, in the hopes it might help someone else.
Back when I was in the mental hospital, a fellow patient of mine shared how the death of his grandpa affected him deeply. He was still a kid, and this traumatic event instilled in him the idea that he was going to die. He developed a form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder as a result, desperately trying to create situations where he had 'control', because if he only did everything just right (according to his own made-up rules) he would be fine. Touching the doorknob a specific number of times every time he entered a room, stuff like that.
When I was diagnosed with a precancerous condition, Barrett's esophagus, I caught the same 'bug'. The fear of death found its way into my brain, and lead to me becoming a hypochondriac. Ever since, whenever something looks or feels off about my body, I panic and systematically treat the problem as bigger than it actually is. While obviously this is incredibly stupid, I've found it very difficult to escape from. It's particularly interesting (and when I'm in the mood for it, amusing) that my ex-girlfriend was a hypochondriac (long before this happened to me) and I was always the one talking sense to her. So much experience, and it didn't help.
Both these stories are meant to illustrate just how powerful fear of death can be, and the extreme influence it can have in a person's life. It's usually not a single event that triggers it, we're pretty much exposed to death our entire life in a way, but there's a wide variety in the ways people experience and internalize it. We're now going to go over some constructive and destructive ways we can deal with this inescapable part of existence.
Let's start with the bad: Just like the two examples from above, fear of death can lead to obsessive behavior, to a twisted view of reality. While it's obviously good to try and be as healthy as you can, careful in traffic and so forth, there's a line somewhere you shouldn't cross. The line of sanity. One therapist I had back in the day said that a golden rule is 'once'. If you think you left the door unlocked or the oven on, you can go check exactly once. Any more than that and you're going insane.
Fear of death can also have the opposite effect and lead to extremely reckless behavior: If we're all going to die anyway, why not go for everything? Well, the sane answer there is that you are actually very likely to survive plenty more years, but those odds plummet the more reckless your behavior becomes. Eventually it's almost guaranteed to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, where your dangerous lifestyle directly leads to your death, years before you likely would have died.
So both extremes are bad. Shocking, right? Balance is key, just like in many other areas of life. So what is the right way to do it?
First, you must recognize the inevitability of the situation. You and everyone and everything around you will die. Come to terms with it, because it's not going anywhere. Every second you spend in denial is a second you're never getting back. Then, we're going to try and find out what this actually means. If you're going to die, then the time where you are alive is finite. If there is a limited amount of time in which to live your life, not only do you need to make choices as to how to spend it but these choices matter. A LOT.
We make choices all the time. Most are small, some are big, but every single one of them will affect the time we have left. The only rational way to make choices is therefore to do so always keeping in mind that your time is finite. There's only so many hours in a day, so many days in a week, so many years in your life. This makes time extremely valuable, and in a way, the ONLY thing of real value. If you are gifting your time to someone or something, that means something. And the more time you put in, the more it means.
For this it is incredibly important to create, raise and keep standards. This precious limited resource cannot, should not, ever, be handed out without second thought. Treat it as the precious commodity it is, give it to worthy causes and worthy people. Anything less is selling your life short. And be conscious of it before, during and after.
Stay conscious, and have standards. What else? Well, if your time is limited then obviously procrastinating is a big problem. If you are in a position of privilege, like I am, you can probably get the things you want in life, or some version close to it. But only if you live your life with a sense of urgency. I've seen so many people idolize the idea of 'cool', coasting, chilling through life assuming it all will work out. Like the things that will make them happy or give them meaning will magically fall into their lap. This is rarer than you would think, and I'll tell you why.
It's easy to get jealous of people who were born with the 'silver spoon inserted', who never have to work for anything and are free to coast through life. But the thing is, the real value in life, the things worth living for, are not part of this. Personal responsibility, real connection, meaningful work, fulfilling endeavors are all very hard to find, no matter how big your advantage was when you started. In a way, it's much harder for the 1% to get these things because if your prison is so incredibly beautiful and comfortable, how would you even know it was one?
Living your life with a sense of urgency is easier if you've had actual problems in the past. In that way, people (though only the slightly) less privileged have an advantage, they already know that getting the things you really want takes hard work, dedication and perseverance. Now, what are these things, really? Time. Getting what you want takes time. And your time on this Earth is limited. So limited, in fact, that you could die at any time, because of reasons completely beyond your control. Because of this, any decision, any project, any person that requires a substantial time investment needs to be really, really worth it.
People who come off as desperate tend to be disliked for it. But there is a deep wisdom in desperation, a recognition of the inescapable fact that we're all dying, every day, often without getting the things we want or need. If you aren't a little desperate, you don't value your time (and therefore, your life) like you should. A popular common phrase is 'carpe diem', seize the day. But it sounds too chirpy for me, like it's no big deal, just this cool thing that you can try. I prefer: Live your life with a sense of desperation.
Back when I was in the mental hospital, a fellow patient of mine shared how the death of his grandpa affected him deeply. He was still a kid, and this traumatic event instilled in him the idea that he was going to die. He developed a form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder as a result, desperately trying to create situations where he had 'control', because if he only did everything just right (according to his own made-up rules) he would be fine. Touching the doorknob a specific number of times every time he entered a room, stuff like that.
When I was diagnosed with a precancerous condition, Barrett's esophagus, I caught the same 'bug'. The fear of death found its way into my brain, and lead to me becoming a hypochondriac. Ever since, whenever something looks or feels off about my body, I panic and systematically treat the problem as bigger than it actually is. While obviously this is incredibly stupid, I've found it very difficult to escape from. It's particularly interesting (and when I'm in the mood for it, amusing) that my ex-girlfriend was a hypochondriac (long before this happened to me) and I was always the one talking sense to her. So much experience, and it didn't help.
Both these stories are meant to illustrate just how powerful fear of death can be, and the extreme influence it can have in a person's life. It's usually not a single event that triggers it, we're pretty much exposed to death our entire life in a way, but there's a wide variety in the ways people experience and internalize it. We're now going to go over some constructive and destructive ways we can deal with this inescapable part of existence.
Let's start with the bad: Just like the two examples from above, fear of death can lead to obsessive behavior, to a twisted view of reality. While it's obviously good to try and be as healthy as you can, careful in traffic and so forth, there's a line somewhere you shouldn't cross. The line of sanity. One therapist I had back in the day said that a golden rule is 'once'. If you think you left the door unlocked or the oven on, you can go check exactly once. Any more than that and you're going insane.
Fear of death can also have the opposite effect and lead to extremely reckless behavior: If we're all going to die anyway, why not go for everything? Well, the sane answer there is that you are actually very likely to survive plenty more years, but those odds plummet the more reckless your behavior becomes. Eventually it's almost guaranteed to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, where your dangerous lifestyle directly leads to your death, years before you likely would have died.
So both extremes are bad. Shocking, right? Balance is key, just like in many other areas of life. So what is the right way to do it?
First, you must recognize the inevitability of the situation. You and everyone and everything around you will die. Come to terms with it, because it's not going anywhere. Every second you spend in denial is a second you're never getting back. Then, we're going to try and find out what this actually means. If you're going to die, then the time where you are alive is finite. If there is a limited amount of time in which to live your life, not only do you need to make choices as to how to spend it but these choices matter. A LOT.
We make choices all the time. Most are small, some are big, but every single one of them will affect the time we have left. The only rational way to make choices is therefore to do so always keeping in mind that your time is finite. There's only so many hours in a day, so many days in a week, so many years in your life. This makes time extremely valuable, and in a way, the ONLY thing of real value. If you are gifting your time to someone or something, that means something. And the more time you put in, the more it means.
For this it is incredibly important to create, raise and keep standards. This precious limited resource cannot, should not, ever, be handed out without second thought. Treat it as the precious commodity it is, give it to worthy causes and worthy people. Anything less is selling your life short. And be conscious of it before, during and after.
Stay conscious, and have standards. What else? Well, if your time is limited then obviously procrastinating is a big problem. If you are in a position of privilege, like I am, you can probably get the things you want in life, or some version close to it. But only if you live your life with a sense of urgency. I've seen so many people idolize the idea of 'cool', coasting, chilling through life assuming it all will work out. Like the things that will make them happy or give them meaning will magically fall into their lap. This is rarer than you would think, and I'll tell you why.
It's easy to get jealous of people who were born with the 'silver spoon inserted', who never have to work for anything and are free to coast through life. But the thing is, the real value in life, the things worth living for, are not part of this. Personal responsibility, real connection, meaningful work, fulfilling endeavors are all very hard to find, no matter how big your advantage was when you started. In a way, it's much harder for the 1% to get these things because if your prison is so incredibly beautiful and comfortable, how would you even know it was one?
Living your life with a sense of urgency is easier if you've had actual problems in the past. In that way, people (though only the slightly) less privileged have an advantage, they already know that getting the things you really want takes hard work, dedication and perseverance. Now, what are these things, really? Time. Getting what you want takes time. And your time on this Earth is limited. So limited, in fact, that you could die at any time, because of reasons completely beyond your control. Because of this, any decision, any project, any person that requires a substantial time investment needs to be really, really worth it.
People who come off as desperate tend to be disliked for it. But there is a deep wisdom in desperation, a recognition of the inescapable fact that we're all dying, every day, often without getting the things we want or need. If you aren't a little desperate, you don't value your time (and therefore, your life) like you should. A popular common phrase is 'carpe diem', seize the day. But it sounds too chirpy for me, like it's no big deal, just this cool thing that you can try. I prefer: Live your life with a sense of desperation.
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