I Have a Broken Heart
Besting chaste doesn't exactly mean not having heartbreak. I've lived my life promising myself that I wouldn't break my family like my parents did due to selfish desires for the good of the children I'd always dreampt I'd have by the time I was 18. I promised myself I'd wait for the woman I love to be with. But love finds us. I thought it found me three times. And I was wrong.
The first time I was right, but fate didn't want that one to be. She was taken away from the world at a young age when I was 15 and she 14. It's strange continuing in a world without her six years later where she should be nearing 20 with me. It hurts more thinking back to the three years that followed.
The second was some misinterpreted admiration or infatuation with the counselor I saw subsequently in the following years, Esther. Beautiful woman of 35 years, definitely a bit my senior, but like-minded, intelligent and not easily swayed by my bullshit either way. A long bond that was undone by her moving away. Our last parting was a sour one without a goodbye.
My best friend Keara, was, as I realize, doomed from the start. Sometimes friends just aren't meant to mingle. As the third party in a very clearly developing love triangle, it was probably inevitable that I be outed from her life. God knows where she ended up, I miss the companionship, but likely not the love I thought was there and the admiration and adoration.
I've made three major mistakes in my short and very undeveloped love life. I'm of the notion that one is supposed to learn from mistakes, but if there's one single thing that I think I can say I took away from my mistakes...it's that I made mistakes. And I honestly can't say I learned anything else other than that I'm likely going to make more. I'm likely going to mix up emotions of adoration and affection for love, which despite being pursued so aggressively throughout my life has eluded me pretty effectively. Alysa is my one regret in life. The girl I continue to think back to among the others. Three years it's taken to move on, and three more desperate years of yearning for what everyone else seems to find so effortlessly but I seem to be doomed to go without: Love. Maybe something's wrong with me. My mother said, "god created someone for everyone to be with". But there's got to be some people who god wasn't thinking about when he did that, right? God's not perfect. If existing. There's only one person I have faith in. And it isn't god. If god's real, he doesn't answer to men.
The first time I was right, but fate didn't want that one to be. She was taken away from the world at a young age when I was 15 and she 14. It's strange continuing in a world without her six years later where she should be nearing 20 with me. It hurts more thinking back to the three years that followed.
The second was some misinterpreted admiration or infatuation with the counselor I saw subsequently in the following years, Esther. Beautiful woman of 35 years, definitely a bit my senior, but like-minded, intelligent and not easily swayed by my bullshit either way. A long bond that was undone by her moving away. Our last parting was a sour one without a goodbye.
My best friend Keara, was, as I realize, doomed from the start. Sometimes friends just aren't meant to mingle. As the third party in a very clearly developing love triangle, it was probably inevitable that I be outed from her life. God knows where she ended up, I miss the companionship, but likely not the love I thought was there and the admiration and adoration.
I've made three major mistakes in my short and very undeveloped love life. I'm of the notion that one is supposed to learn from mistakes, but if there's one single thing that I think I can say I took away from my mistakes...it's that I made mistakes. And I honestly can't say I learned anything else other than that I'm likely going to make more. I'm likely going to mix up emotions of adoration and affection for love, which despite being pursued so aggressively throughout my life has eluded me pretty effectively. Alysa is my one regret in life. The girl I continue to think back to among the others. Three years it's taken to move on, and three more desperate years of yearning for what everyone else seems to find so effortlessly but I seem to be doomed to go without: Love. Maybe something's wrong with me. My mother said, "god created someone for everyone to be with". But there's got to be some people who god wasn't thinking about when he did that, right? God's not perfect. If existing. There's only one person I have faith in. And it isn't god. If god's real, he doesn't answer to men.
26-30, M
