I Long For Someone to Really Know Me
Some background information; About 6 months ago, I had a friend who cut me off. I haven’t had any contact with him, but when I’m feeling down I have a tendency of sending him messages anyways (somewhat like a journal). I apparently can only send a certain amount of messages before he has to reply in order for me to continue to use his inbox as my personal therapist. Due to this, you have now been subjected to my thoughts that are intended for him (so continue at your own risk, you’ve been warned):
I don’t think I’ll ever get used to how quiet It is here on my own. It’s the worst at night. I get so tired and I’m waiting to fall asleep and the smallest noise will wake me up.
I’m learning a lot about myself recently. I used to think of myself as proudly independent and I’m thinking about how easy It is to feel that way when you always have someone to depend on when you need It. It’s like how easy It is to jump off something when you know there’s something soft at the landing or you’re attached to a bungee chord. Lately, I’m just scared. I feel like a lot of people who notice things about themselves that they never saw before are typically moving in a more positive direction with age and I seem to be moving backwards. I used to be someone I thought I could be proud of and now, I have no idea who I am. Today I had a thought while sitting in my car that if I had died at that moment, I’d be okay with it— I don’t know that I’ve ever felt that way before. There was something freeing about the thought, but also very terrifying that It was something I was capable of thinking. I just thought about how easy It seems to be for people to let me go and how I never seem to be able to do that. No matter how someone hurts me, I crave their approval, their validation. Part of me blames you for that and maybe that’s unfair but I got so comfortable with you knowing me better than I know myself that now, I’m just lost.
I don’t wait for a response from you to these messages anymore.
I don’t think I’ll ever get used to how quiet It is here on my own. It’s the worst at night. I get so tired and I’m waiting to fall asleep and the smallest noise will wake me up.
I’m learning a lot about myself recently. I used to think of myself as proudly independent and I’m thinking about how easy It is to feel that way when you always have someone to depend on when you need It. It’s like how easy It is to jump off something when you know there’s something soft at the landing or you’re attached to a bungee chord. Lately, I’m just scared. I feel like a lot of people who notice things about themselves that they never saw before are typically moving in a more positive direction with age and I seem to be moving backwards. I used to be someone I thought I could be proud of and now, I have no idea who I am. Today I had a thought while sitting in my car that if I had died at that moment, I’d be okay with it— I don’t know that I’ve ever felt that way before. There was something freeing about the thought, but also very terrifying that It was something I was capable of thinking. I just thought about how easy It seems to be for people to let me go and how I never seem to be able to do that. No matter how someone hurts me, I crave their approval, their validation. Part of me blames you for that and maybe that’s unfair but I got so comfortable with you knowing me better than I know myself that now, I’m just lost.
I don’t wait for a response from you to these messages anymore.
