Comment and I will give you a 100% accurate fortune-cookie style fortune

@SW-User lol

@SW-User You'll be doing a lot of traveling in the near future due to your inability to dribble a basketball effectively.

@SW-User Be kind to pigeons, for someday there will be a statue of you.

@CountScrofula It better be skinny.

@SW-User Trust me, we're gonne be immortalized by some skinny-ass statues. Mine will have a beautiful ass as well, for I have Hank Hill flatass.

@CountScrofula 🥺, it'll help deflate my head.

@SW-User You could just inflate your body! 🧠

@CountScrofula I'm trying. 😌 I went to the gym today. Overcome my first few anxiety attacks and worked on them legs. 🙃 I can lift some weight with them bad boys after making them keep me erect.

@CountScrofula I have a few choice things to say about you 😜

@Marta 🤣 I'm gonna go count my shoes.

@CountScrofula lol

@AmbivalentFriability You will marry a professional athlete - if you consider competitive eating a sport.

@CountScrofula merp. o.o

@CountScrofula 😂

@summersong Remember: Three can keep a secret if two are dead. That said, you know what you have to do.

@CountScrofula *sharpens the axe*

@summersong "It's what the cookie commanded" 😵

@ProdigalSummer It will be a good time to start new projects at work, like coating the stairs in Vaseline and pulling the fire alarm.

@CountScrofula should I get approval from the safety guy first? He might enjoy watching the fallout with me. He's twisted like that.

@ProdigalSummer Accomplices share the blame and the joy 😌

@BeefySenpie If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? Maybe, if trees screamed all the time for no reason.

@DarlingSelah Some people are like slinkies. They don't serve a purpose, but they will bring a smile to your face if you push them down the stairs.

@CountScrofula ugh. So true

@LittlePurple Next week will be a rough one for you, but will advance understanding of genital implosion by leaps and bounds.

😱@CountScrofula

@Straylight When you die, rest comfortably knowing that people thought "That girl sure owed me a lot of money."

@CountScrofula Hahaha. Try to collect now, losers!

@CountScrofula These sound like horoscopes from the onion. 😂

@SwampFlower It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

@thatscottishguy A handsome bloke will figure how to serenade you with a Dappy song on banjolele some day.

@CountScrofula I doubt it😂

@Dewms You will be torn between two equally worthy suitors, one who is kind, selfless, outgoing, supportive, and loving, and one who is attractive.

@CountScrofula oh WOW in my dreams maybe 😂

@SW-User A good compromise makes nobody happy. The Vermont Compromise, however, is a great name for a mullet and everyone loves those.

@Lostandconfused The stars understand that faith is difficult in the modern world, but trust them when they tell you that the derivative of a constant is always zero.

@NewBeginnings7790 Surround yourself with tacos, not negativity.

@CountScrofula Hahaha!! Reminded of this.

@UndeadPrivateer There will be no changes of note to your life this week. Which is surprising considering how easy it should be to get a bear trap off of your head these days.

@CountScrofula 😌👌 Just gotta zen it out.

@MellyMel22 Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

@CountScrofula [i][c=#BF0080]Oh dammit!![/c][/i]

@Thevy29 A childhood dream will come true when a scary monster crawls out from under your bed and eats you.

@DDonde You’ll score a bunch of great stereo equipment and furniture from your neighbors, who happen to die when you go into their house and stab them and take all their things.

@CountScrofula 😅 what a coincidence

@Psycho Your problem just got bigger. Think: what have you done?