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Missing My Wife [I Have a Blog]

My wife wanted to be cremated. Sometimes I wish she had a spot in the cemetery, somewhere I could go to sit and talk to her. I made a memorial deep in the woods for her. I occasionally go there, but it's just not the same. Even though she isn't there, I'm still careful about what I tell her. She would be devastated by what's going on right now.

My wife was a staunch conservative, and I'm the complete opposite. We had a wonderful relationship, because it was founded on love and respect. I have very little faith that I'll ever have that again. True love comes once in a lifetime, if even that. She was my true love. Tomorrow, I'm going to visit her in the woods again. Truthfully, I don't feel her there. I don't feel her anywhere, and it's a pain that I can't describe. I'm forgetting how she was before the cancer. All I can seem to remember are the surgeries, the trips to the cancer center, the fear I felt on a daily basis, and constantly checking to see if she was still breathing. She couldn't speak, open her eyes, or respond in any way. I doubt she could hear or understand anything I said to her during that time. I was holding her hand when she stopped breathing. I'm starting to forget the touch of her hand, too.
SinlessOnslaught · 26-30, M
I’m sorry. Have you tried writing (physically, not on a keyboard) your memories with her before the cancer?

People who forget their dreams can practice by immediately waking up and writing them down. It makes their ability to remember dreams, stronger. Maybe the same could happen with your memories of her.
ArtyFischel · 31-35, M
@SinlessOnslaught I will try that. Maybe I could write in a journal while I'm in the woods. It's the only time I get for peace and quiet.
SinlessOnslaught · 26-30, M
@ArtyFischel Yeah I would expect that once you get into it, you’ll start thinking, “Oh yeah, and I remember this and that, too” as you write. I hope it works.
ArtyFischel · 31-35, M
@SinlessOnslaught Thank you!
realrare · 51-55, F
This hits deep... I lost my husband to cancer recently. I find I’m crying about so many things. Sometimes I cry out, “Do even still love me!?!” because I want him to haunt me and he’s not here. I wanna die too.

I hope you find something worthwhile to fill up that nagging crater in your heart.
ArtyFischel · 31-35, M
@realrare I'm sorry for your loss. I know the pain. It actually does get better with time, but some days are rock bottom all over again. If you ever want to talk to someone, I'm here.
Smilealways · 31-35, F
True love never dies
DiegoWolfe · 36-40
you could have saved a bit of her ashes and made a dimond of her you know.
DiegoWolfe · 36-40
@ArtyFischel well take her with you the next time you go to your special place in the forrest and give her a tour, tell her the memories you have of her and the memories youd have made there, rewrite the end to her life and give her the adventure you and her deserve not the life that was robbed from you both by her disease.
ArtyFischel · 31-35, M
@DiegoWolfe That's a great idea. Thank you!
DiegoWolfe · 36-40
@ArtyFischel you may even if the idea doesn't gross you out too much take a small vial of her ashes with you when you do business travels and such and form those into memories you would have shared with her, its not macabre or gross or clinging to a past that has ended, you are making up for the time you lost, and as the loss grows less and less painful you can return the ashes and know you two shared the life together you deserved even if it was too short.
smiler2012 · 56-60
artyfischel i feel very deeply for you and i am truly sorry for your loss
ArtyFischel · 31-35, M
@smiler2012 Thank you!
Mrsbetweenfatandfit · 26-30, F
My dad lost my mom when they were 33. It was unexpected & very painful. I agree with sinless about writing down how you are feeling, what you are thinking, remembering, what you’d like to say to her if she was looking into your eyes. I wish grieving had a time stamp but in truth it is different for everyone. Don’t neglect yourself in this time. I know all these years later when we bump into someone who knew my mom my dad lights up remembering tiny details & stories he almost forgot. I’m deeply sorry for this terrible loss. It’s unfair the way life is taken. I hope as you heal you can use her passing at a younger age as a motivator in your own life to live it up. None of us know when our time is up. It’s a great reason to make now the best we can. 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
ArtyFischel · 31-35, M
@Mrsbetweenfatandfit Thank you for the gift! I love trees. When I get enough coins, I'll send you something in return. 👍
Mrsbetweenfatandfit · 26-30, F
@ArtyFischel you’re welcome! I thought it might be fitting from your mention of the woods.
ArtyFischel · 31-35, M
@Mrsbetweenfatandfit Yes, I knew right away that's what it represented. That makes it more than just a gift. 🙂

 
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